Fire & Ice

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

One Year Later

Journal Entry:

Dear Portia,

I passed you in the hallway today at school, something you don't know I occasionally go out of my way to do so I can hear the things running through your head. I often feel like I live for those few moments. Even though I could, I try not to listen the rest of the time; though it's hard not to. Your energy envelops me. It's an incredible feeling. I don't want to invade the privacy of your mind; but when you see me, you think of me, and it's a treat I can't seem to make myself walk away from. I hope you'll forgive me for that someday.

Today I noticed it's becoming increasingly harder to pretend I don't recognize you. I want to stare—drink you in from the top of your pretty black-haired head, to the tips of your cutely painted toenails. You're so beautiful, so young, and full of life, so untainted by the evils of the world. When you smile the whole room lights up like the sun just moved out from behind the clouds. It almost makes me believe there still are good things to live for. Looking at you makes me wish for days filled with happiness and a life that could be normal. I don't know if that will ever be a possibility for me, but for one minute, I'd love to live in your carefree world.

I almost laughed out loud at what I heard in your head this morning when I passed by. You thought I looked "hot today, as usual," and wondered what I'd do if you gave into your baser instincts and pushed me against a locker and kissed me. Please, baby, give into that baser instinct! You might be surprised at what you get back! I'm not as indifferent as I've led you to believe.

Your ponderings monopolized mine for the rest of the day. All I could think of was how I'd react if you ever actually did do something like that. Portia, you've had me tied in knots for months now, and you don't even know it.

My first thought was I should grab you and slam you against the lockers, while I devoured your plump lips. But then I figured we might draw a pretty big crowd with our hallway display, so I decided maybe I'd simply scoop you up and kidnap you for the rest of the day, perhaps take you to my favorite spot in the canyon. It's beautiful there, and then I could lay you on the ground and kiss you for hours, taking my time about it, like I really want to.

Now, as I sit here tonight, I'm wondering how you would react to my reaction. I wish I could ask you. Would you be surprised? Would you trust me enough to let me whisk you away without any warning? Or would it scare you to find out I want you so badly?

That's right, Portia baby. I want you more than you could possibly know. Everyday I'm tempted to give in, to show you exactly how I feel, but I gave my word that I wouldn't. If I'd have known at the time who you were and how I'd connect with you, I'd have never spoken such a vow. But I did, so I'll honor that promise because doing so will keep you safer from the evils that taint my life for that much longer. For now, I'll be content to bask in your innocence and to watch you from afar. But only for now, Portia . . .

***

Restlessly, I tossed in my bed, trying to find a comfortable spot where my thoughts wouldn't plague me so badly. Week after week, it was the same thing. Hearing her. Longing for her. Wanting to be with her, somehow, in any way, just to have her as a part of my life.

She was driving me crazy. The more I learned about her, the harder I fell. It was insane—impossible. We'd never even spoken to each other. I continued to act like she didn't exist when, in reality, everything inside me had become hyper-aware of her. I'd forced myself to shift away from her, erecting defensive walls to try and keep her personal musings out of my head. It was difficult to be so intimately connected with someone all the time. It took awhile, but I finally mastered some control over it. Now, I could put barriers up or take them down at will, unless she was having a very powerful emotion.