I feel him staring at me as I gaze out the bedroom window.
"I did not realize you we're up." I say as I slowly turn around.
He begins to crawel lazily out of bed.I watch as his muscles ripple with every move he made. He was gorgeous with his long jet black hair and tanned skin that made his muscle beneath it stand out more. He turned as he stood to look at me.
"Do you like what you see?" He asked. Obviously he caught me drooling over his naked exterior.
"I might do. But you must leave before my children come back from their grandparents." I say kind of sad like. I don't want him to go. He has been the light in my darkness. He starts to walk over.
"Jim..... you have to go." I say firmer as he tries kissing me to prolong his stay.
"When will I meet your children?" Jim's question made me even sadder. I hate to tell him but I must.
"You can not ever meet my children. This is only a small thing that was never suppose to happen and you know it." This time he backed away.
"Your still in love with your husband aren't you?"
I put my head down and looked at my feet for a few minutes before answering him.
"Yes I am. That will never change. My husband is my soul mate. We have just gone different paths for the moment. But we will find our way back like we always do." I turn back to the window. While Jim gets dressed I think about my husband and all the pain we have been through together and what made us break apart this time. Tears began to flow knowing that what I am doing with Jim is not helping put my marriage back together.
"Jim?"
"Yes honey?"
"This is the last time we will ever see each other or speak to each other. I want my husband back and I don't want to string you along anymore." Tears started like a thunderstorm in the middle of summer. He headed towards me to hold me.
"NO!!!" I cry out.
"Leave now!"
"Fine...." Jim leaves with his head down. But turns back to look at me.
Once I seen the tears coming down down his face I had to turn away before I tried to comfort him. I had broken this man and it hurt me to the core. Surely there wasn't another way without heartache. I sat down on my bed lost in my own thoughts of my husband and Jim. Why was I so heartless to begin a fling with someone while all along my heart belonged to someone else? This could never be a day that my heart could ever belong to someone else. I tried but no one can compare.
How do I fix this with my husband? Should I tell him about Jim? Would that be a bad idea? But if I didn't tell him and Jim told someone else and it got back to him then it would be worse. I am sure he must have had a fling or two since our seperation, right? Would he understand? These thoughts constantly flowed through my mind as I cried myself to sleep.
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I awoke to banging on the front door. Checking the clock 8:00 am.
"Who could this be?" Jumping outta bed and throwing on some clothes, I run down the stairs. Once I make it to the door no one was there. So I open the door. Down on the doormat is a dozen black roses. My favorite. I pick them up and read the note:
"I miss you. Dinner Friday at 8. Wear that black dress that I love."
- Allen
Oh my God! He misses me.
"I must find water for these!" I skip to the kitchen with a giant smile on my face excited about my date with my husband Friday. All my sadness flies away for now. I practiclly bounce up the stairs to get ready for work.
.............................................................
Work flowed naturally as always. Classes at 11 followed by a staff meeting at noon to go over expectations of the semester, then off to my office to grade what seems like thousands of what seems like thousands of papers. At around 4 I was finally heading home to meet my parents as they dropped off the kids. They have had them for about two weeks now. Oh how I have missed them.
When I reached the driveway, I saw my parents blue sub. Ever since my separation from Allen they have the key. So I guess they are already inside. Gosh it's a mess in there. I haven't had a chance to clean up. I guess nobody would have with excitement of Allen's note and almost being late to work. Well I guess I better go in and reap the payment of my actions. But still I remained in the car. How could I face my children after what I have done. My guilt over Jim has begun to overwhelm me. I still need to decide whether or not to tell Allen. How could I hurt someone so beautiful? Allen has been the best thing to ever happen to me. But yet I pushed him so far that he left. Yet he is willing to work it out. Imagining his bright smiling face. The tears began to fall filling my eyes and making my vision blurry. Streaming down my cheeks to my lips forcing me to taste the salt of my despair. Why must I be so heartless?
Wiping my tears and fixing my mascara; I step outta the car walking towards the front door I ready myself to be strong for my children. Before I reached for the knob the door flung open to my mother standing there. For the age of 60 she has aged well. Her short salt and pepper hair always well brushed, cute pink and silver glasses sitting on her nose with a T-shirt and jeans. I loved her so much. Dad dirt raced, he did so very well. His white hair shimmering in the low light of the family room, glasses perched on his nose laughing at whatever little Allen was talking about.
"Hello mom. I have missed you." I smiled glumly.
"On honey you look terrible!" As mom pulled me into her arms I lists it and broke down. In the background I heard little Allen ask dad what was wrong with me.
Dad simply said:
"She will be fine son. Her heart just hurts."
"Its okay lovely." Mom said kissing my head rubbing my back.
As I stood up wipeing my tears away my children rushed me like a little football team. Including Renee the oldest. I gave each a kiss on the head. I picked up Rayne as she asked me
"Mommy why does your heart hurt?" Her little hand resting on my cheek.
"Oh honey I just miss daddy." Her cute little smile faded to a frown as a single tear flowed down her face. She kissed my cheek and said
"Me too mommy." I wiped the tear from her face and squeezed her tight.
"Its okay honey daddy will be back soon." I set her down and looked at mom's confused face. I handed her the note and she smiled.
"I knew he would come around." As she just stared and grinned her and the children filed into the family room with dad. I sat down my things and took off my shoes. As I stepped into the family room dad smiled.
"Well missy explain yourself with this mess of a house?" He chuckled a little as he tried to say it with a stern tone.
"I knew that was coming sooner or later." Kissing his cheek without answering at first.
"Well?" He said impatiently this time.
"I was running late this morning." Laughing out loud to his sour face to my frankness.
"Young lady! I taught you better then that." Mom chimmed in.
"I know. I know. Its just been hard but I will get everything right." Looking at the clock 8. I hadn't realized it had become that late."
"Renee get your brother and sister ready for bed. I will be up to tuck you in."
"Yes mam." Renee replied.
As they went upstairs I watched my parents as they looked at each other with loving eyes.
"See I want that." They jumped at my words as if they had forgotten I was there.
"Want what honey?" Mom looked at me curiously.
"You and dads love. The kind that you get lost in each others eyes and forget anyone else is around." Mom frowned. Dad spoke this time.
"Marriage is hard honey. It takes a lot of work. You get it right. Don't worry your mom and I had a rough time at first. But in the end it made us stronger. Believe me you and Allen will work it out." With that they kissed me bye and left me with my thoughts.
After tucking the children in bed, I go downstairs to the liquor cabinet still missing the other two; which are with their father. That first initial burn of whiskey feels all to familer these past few weeks. Just trying to be numb so I don't feel the pain or loniness of the empty space next to me in bed. Wishing for Allen just to be there when I wake. So I've decided to not sleep in bed but next to the fire in the hearth with a big bottle of Jack. My excitement of the morning well past by the fear of the rejection that might be when he finds out about Jim.
Loving the feeling of each drop that runs down my throat to burn low in my stomach. Staring to feel the numbing effect in my legs.
"I can't do this!" I whisper only to myself as I drown my sorrows.
