Fix You

Chapter One

I stared blankly into the shattered mirror in front of me. I took a deep breath in, puffing up my cheeks and holding my breath for a few seconds before deeply exhaling. I could hardly make out the image behind me- a small brown suitcase I used for the family trip to England in 2005, filled with a few different outfits and essentials. That's what I hate about having to stay in a psychiatric hospital, anything that could be used to self destruct was forbidden. I took one last look at myself before turning around and walking over to my bed, my focus turning to the deep red wounds taking up my entire wrist. My room was filled with little knick knacks and souvenirs from various parts of the world my father would bring back from each business trip, pictures of me and my friends occupying the space on my walls and my dog's bed at the end of mine. I took everything in, knowing it would be my last time seeing this place for awhile.

I gripped the handle of the suitcase tightly, my knuckles turning white. My feet padded across the carpet in front of my door and into the dimly lit hallway. My older brother Rhys came out of his room when he heard me, and stopped in front of me. I couldn't bare to look into his eyes. He'd done everything he could to protect me and make sure I was happy, and all I did was let him down. "Rhys, I'm sorry." I stared down at my feet, not having enough courage in me to look up.

"Cora, listen, I'm not looking for an apology. Sometimes you give your all to someone in hopes that it'll be enough- but more than often it just isn't. I guess that's the case here. I want to come for the drive, but I don't think I have it in me to admit that you're really going this time." He swallowed, gently tilting my chin upwards so I'd have no choice but to stare into his eyes. God Cora, you're such a fuck up. I can't help but feel guilt creeping up my throat, forming a large lump making it nearly impossible to speak without choking up.

"Do you hate me?"

"What? Are you crazy? You're my little sister. I mean yeah, you're a bit of a pain sometimes," He laughed. "But I love you. Always will."

I closed my eyes, shakily exhaling before opening them again and putting on my best smile. "You'll come visit me right?"

I wanted so badly to get better, but most of my days were filled with trying to block out the vile voices in my head and faking happy that I had no time to focus on fixing myself.

"Whenever I can." He said, before pulling me into him and holding me tightly for a few seconds. Rhys has always made me feel safe, but lately there was nothing that could do the trick anymore. I always felt alone, helpless, like there was nothing in this world that was good for me. "Hey," he added. "Get better this time, okay?"

I nodded and gave him one last smile, before walking past him and hearing him go back into his room and close the door slowly. I walked down the stairs, my mind filling with horrible thoughts. My stomach felt uneasy as I walked into the living room, immediately seeing the disappointed look on my parents faces.

"I'm ready to go now."

I could tell my mother was trying her hardest not to break down as she stared at the mess her daughter had become. Growing up, she'd done all she could to make sure I was healthy and happy and this is how I repay her. Fuck up, Cora, you're a fuck up.

She walked to me, my father following close behind with the keys in one hand and the other on my mother's waist. "You have all your stuff?" She readjusted the grey shawl she had draped around her that my grandmother had bought for her birthday, crossing her arms over her chest.

I almost began to feel sorry for myself. I knew deep down inside me somewhere that I didn't deserve this, but the only thoughts that came to the surface was that I didn't deserve anything or anybody. Part of me wishes my parents didn't care about me, who I was and what I've done. It would be a lot easier to fall asleep at night knowing that they weren't up in the next room discussing where I'll be in the future and what they can do to prevent anything from happening to me.