The Monsters in My Mind

Stop. Please just stop. I can't do this anymore. Why won't you stop? I begged and pleaded with the voices in my head that demanded I pick up the razor blade that was rusted with my blood and going dull.

'Just once. You're so worthless and pathetic. Why do you even bother? We both know that slicing your skin is better than going to school.' The monsters inside my head hissed and screamed horrible thoughts like this until I couldn't take it anymore. The blade glided across my skin. The rush the pain caused and the simple sight of my thighs dripping with my pain calmed the monsters. Silence. Peace. It won't last all day, so I stick my blade into my sock and make plans to get a new one after school. I slip downstairs to see me mother making lunches. One for me and one for my pride and joy, my baby brother Sam.

"Good morning baby girl, don't forget your lunch. I'm going to take Sammy to school today so you won't be late," she whistled while she smacked the peanut butter onto my sandwich and Nutella onto Sam's. I envied her. She was so happy. Nothing could make her upset. Even when Sam was in the hospital because of his peanut allegories, she was always up early and was singing a song while she cleaned or made food. She was the perfect trophy wife for my father, who was a famous writer. I'd rather not mention the name of my parents, they don't need to be reminded of the pain.

"Mom, I like PB&J more," Sam slumped down the stairs rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"I know darling, but we can't have another accident. It's Nutella or turkey for you." Sam whimpered a little before he took his seat at the table and waited for his breakfast. He looked so innocent and peaceful. I couldn't take my eyes off his angelic face. His green eyes still had sleep in them, and his brown hair still suffered from major bed head. That was what a 10 year old was supposed to look in the morning. Tired, innocent, and perfect.

"Lilly, school? You can't be late today!" mom skipped over to put a plate of pancakes in front of Sam. He just stared at his meal. He did this a lot now. He would just stare at food. The hospital ruined his stomach with all the medicine and smell of death that lingered everywhere. He was getting very thin and pale. I walked over and kissed his forehead. For a moment I saw what he saw, the beast that was in the food. I saw the death in his food. Sam glanced up at me; the pleading look in his eyes pierced my skin. I couldn't let him starve himself. Against my will, I took a bite of his waffles. The pleading look disappeared and was replaced with curiosity. He began to take a few bites, he beat the beast of breakfast. I pat his head, kissed my mom, grabbed my keys and bag before I trotted out the door. As I was driving I realized that Sam was the only reason I still fought. Sam was the reason I was alive. If I left him here with just my parents, he would become like me, sad. When he was in he hospital I almost lost it. I didn't think he would come home. That's when the self harm got really bad. But even now that he's home, I'm afraid I will lose him. Deaths angels already visited him once; they will come again. I pulled up to school, today was gloomy so the campus looked like hell. I sat in my car and watched as very one gathered with their friends, laughing and enjoying life. Girls found their boyfriends and expressed a little too much PDA. No one seemed to mind. I, on the other hand, was disgusted. They didn't need to do that in the parking lot. Besides, the girl was so distant I bet she didn't even love him. It was all lust. Disgusting. Why are teenagers so lost in the idea of love? It's not like the world is going to end if you don't have a new boy to throw yourself at. You're not going to become socially inadequate because you don't own the "love" of another person. You'll be okay. It hurts to be lonely, but you'll survive. Real love takes time to find, and often a lot of pain. Don't get me wrong, it's possible to find love in high school. But for the most part, it's all fake. The screech of the bell interrupts my thoughts. I sulk out of the car and take the dreaded walk to my first class. 6 classes. I can do this. I take my seat and immediately become invisible as people bump into me while prancing around after their friends and "lovers". Class began, and the first three classes became the longest classes of my life. By the end of third, I was ready to go home. The monsters had taken their place and began the taunting. I went through the rest of the day like I always do. It was weird to be back. I had missed two weeks of school when Sam was in the hospital. I couldn't come back. No one missed me. The only person who cared was my health teacher; who just happened to be my moms best friend. When I had to drive home, I took the longest route possible. Driving calmed me. I got home twenty minuets later than normal. When I walked in Sam was sitting on the floor watching tv.