Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who had curves as bountiful as she had gold. Her eyes were blue as the sky and her mouth was like a tiny rosebud. But that was a long time ago. Now that girl is dead.
You sat up in bed. She had been dreaming of her mother again, wondering how she had died all those years ago, and more importantly why she had given her daughter such a confusing name as 'You'. What? No, of course not, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about YOU. That's her name.
It was still dark outside, and the rain drummed on the roof of one direction's tour bus. It dawned on You that life was, briefly, much better at Hogwarts before that fateful day when she made out passionately with Draco Malfoy and decided that she was going to go and tour with One Direction.
So far, they hadn't done any touring, and the camper had spent most of its time parked in a ditch beside a pile of melted tires. Life on a tour bus should've been glamorous and exciting, but instead You had to deal with a bunch of whiny pop-stars who were always hungry. She checked her watch. It was six am. Soon Shrek would be awake, and if she didn't make breakfast he would go ravenous and start trying to eat Harry Styles' hair again.
You got up and tried to neaten her mane of hair that had, at one point been perfect, but now looked like a stringy mop. It occurred to her that her life was slowly falling apart. 'Oh well,' she thought. 'At least still have my relationship with Draco.' At least she hoped she still had her relationship with Draco. Ever since they'd come on this stupid bus Draco had spent most of his time in a closet with Niall. They said they were just having business conferences in there, so You believed them.
She walked into the kitchen, and she noticed a terrible odour wafting out of the fridge. You opened it, and found an entire bowl of mouldy potato salad, untouched. Ugh. She was going to have to clean out the fridge again. About half an hour later, while she was bent over scrubbing out a tupperware container of meatloaf that had been in there for three months, Shrek lumbered in wearing headphones and watching American Idol on his laptop.
"Have you made my Eggs Benny yet?" Shrek asked. "Cause I'm starving."
"No, sorry Shrek. I had to clean out the fridge. There probably isn't time to make you Eggs Benedict now. I have to take Maximus to violin lessons in half an hour." Shrek shuddered at the mention of the name 'Maximus'. He was obviously still mad.
"Well, cancel his lesson then! Nothing is more important than my Eggs Benny!" He scowled, his face turning bright green.
"I can't, Shrek, that's not fair to him." You stood up.
"It wasn't fair when he stole my fan fiction either!" He growled.
"Listen why don't I make you some ordinary eggs?" You said, desperate to calm Shrek down.
"NO! I'M GOING TO FIND HARRY AND EAT HIS HAIR."
"Please Shrek, not again." But Shrek ignored her, stomping out of the room. At that moment, One Direction came in, Harry hiding behind the old-man-one, trying to get away from the ogre.
"Hey." You said. "Do you guys want some breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry." Louis sat down at the table.
"Oh, how come?" You sat down beside him.
"Zayn is missing!" Said the one who bared a strong resemblance to a goblin.
