Brandon's Notebook (A TMMM Bonus Material)

Journal 24: The Empty House

A/N: Hi everyone. Hope you're enjoying post after post. 

This entry covers portion of TMMM's Chapter 33: Finding Fortitude and Freedom. Lots of angst and loss here. And while Brandon's a pretty steady rock, he's really crumbling inside.

Enjoy!

***

CEO.

Many months ago, I'd be celebrating. I'd proudly stand on the podium and smile and thank everyone who helped me get there. I'd happily look at the hundreds of faces of the people who will be on my watch.

I just felt numb as I stood there today, going through the motions and wondering restlessly how soon I could get out of there.

Everywhere I go these days, I feel like crawling out of my skin, as if it didn't fit anymore and no one seems to notice.

My family and closest friends know something's wrong but I never listen to them long enough to give them an opportunity to ask.

Except my father.

The one and only time I described the horrible memories of that night was after a few drinks with Dad. My father's always freely given advice but it's been years since I've bluntly asked him how to fix something. And that night I broke down, I asked him to tell me what I could do to undo all of this pain.

And all he told me was that it can't be undone.

That to fix it first requires the courage to know that despite all efforts, it may never be fixed.

But I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for the variety of possibilities even as they closed in on me, like walls about to crush me to my doom.

To think about them felt suffocating.

The only place I can take a lungful of breath and get a grip is in this lovely but empty house that resembles my marriage—full of old memories and future hopes but hardly evidenced in the beautiful ruins that echo hollowly in the silence.

It still fucking hurts.

And I'm so tired.

And I miss her.

I miss her so much.

- B

***

Jeez, Brandon. Get it together, man! 

LOL.

P.S. I hope you like the song. I feel like it really captures that abrupt end to Charlotte and Brandon's dreams of the future. Of their plans to make a home and a life together. 

♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra ♪♪♪

There is a house built out of stone

Wooden floors, walls and window sills

Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust

This is a place where I don't feel alone

This is a place where I feel at home.

And I built a home

for you

for me

Until it disappeared

from me

from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds

There is a tree as old as me

Branches were sewn by the color of green

Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top

I climbed the tree to see the world

When the gusts came around to blow me down

Held on as tightly as you held on me

Held on as tightly as you held on me......

And I built a home

for you

for me

Until it disappeared

from me

from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust........