On The Inside

Hear the Radio

Nobody is home. I am alone. Again. Even when others are home I am still alone. Why do I have to live with all of this building up inside of me driving me crazy. You would think following and trusting God will give you something to feel. It just makes me feel....... hurt. I guess these past few months I have lost the "feeling" I used to. Does anyone even care? I have a few friends, but are they there for real? Will they always be here for me? Will they turn their backs because I have experienced many times which I have had friends use me, and I guess that is why I am always so cautious when trying to chose friends. You never know who will be there and who will just turn around and run.

I never seem to fit in, yet I feel like sometimes I have the same problems as anyone on this planet. Everybody has their problems; I have mine. They are the same; yet they are different. I am not going to just rant on like a few have said I could. Some have said I could just let it all out, but I can't. There is one way for me to let it. I let it all out on a piece of notebook paper, throw it all out, then I hit my pillow..... until I cannot hit anymore from emotion taking over. This is the way I save anybody's feelings from getting hurt other than mine. It lets it out for a while, but after new problems just arise.

Life isn't always bad. Some days I have a better day. That is........ until you get just a few words that can ruin your day and make you feel horrible again. You never live it down when reminded over and over again. Then when something good happens, you just worry about is it okay? Will really be okay? Did I do it right? You think you have it figured out; you think you would get it right. The world shows you differently and proves that what you think is right is actually wrong. You are not allowed to follow what you think that you believe will be good for you for it's not "right", or it will never work, or it's too impossible might as well give up. They have movies, songs, books, quotes, etc. on and on and on about positive happy things, but then so called "friends", society, and others that want you down turn around and tell you the complete opposite. It's so confusing who to believe.

It is just too overwhelming. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Crying..... I run down to the kitchen. It only takes a single one to make my mom fall asleep when she has a headache, so how many would it take for me? Four? Five? I don't want anyone to think about me or worry for a while, so I can't take the entire thing. It'll be too obvious. I just dump a handful and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Run up the stairs...

My phone buzzes. It's my older sister.

"DUDE TURN ON THE RADIO IT'S OUR SONG!!"

I turn on the radio, and it's a song I've never even heard before.

I may smile for the camera
I might fool my friends with laughter
but underneath the lies

you will find the truth that hides
I try to hold it all together
do I have to hold it in forever?
I'm not that strong
I can't do this on my own

If you could understand
what's really happening on the inside
you'd see the pain that I try to hide
If you were in my head
then maybe you could see who I really am
I'm broken on the inside

By this time I had dropped and was crying on my knees. I had no idea what I was feeling. I was trying to stand, but just so much weight was on me.

You should know your story doesn't end here
I know how you feel because I've been there
doesn't have to be your fight
don't you know he's on your side?
He knows all you've ever done
he loves you more than anyone
whoever you're going through
he's reaching for you