Starbucks says it's fall.

I know what you're thinking: It's September 1st, and fall technically doesn't begin until the 21st or something. You're also probably thinking it's kinda hot out today, which is why you're wearing short shorts.

Here's the thing though: You're totally wrong to be thinking any of these things.

Yeah. Go ahead, test it out – walk into a Starbucks. You will find fall decor, such as leaves that aren't green, and posters for beverages that weren't available one day ago, when it was still summer. The beverages available today, because it's autumn now, are pumpkin flavoured. Or toffee. Did you know toffee is a fall flavour? It is.

And there are various other pastry items, too, that weren't available yesterday (when there were posters up for iced drinks in frosty glasses made of ice), but are abundant and plentiful today.

Today there are pastries that connote cuddling up to a hot pumpkin spice latte with soy milk, some of them also pumpkin flavoured, or apple, because, you know, apples are a fall thing.

That pineapple thing you really liked yesterday? Can't get it now. It's fall. Pineapple is obviously a summer-themed fruit, and it isn't summer any more today.

Are you starting to catch on?

Starbucks dictates the seasons. Not Mother Nature. Not the Gregorian calendar that's pretty much universally accepted everywhere in the world.

Starbucks.

That's why Christmas actually begins in November, even though you were so positive it only lasted one day and it was at the end of December, last you checked.

No. Starbucks says Christmas begins in November, so you better effing believe that it begins in November, and lasts for several months, until they use up all the red cups (red being the colour associated with Christmas), the very cups that will signify to you that it is, in fact, winter.

You will walk down the street in the freezing cold, bundled up in your mittens and your scarves and whatever else the kids wear when it's snowing, and you will be utterly confused as to what season it is until – hazah! – you spot someone sipping from a red Starbucks cup.

Confusion lifted. Mind at ease. Don't even worry about it. It's totally winter, and so you're totally justified to be wearing multiple layers and things made of wool.

Now, just imagine how much more useful the Starbucks Calendar would be in tropical climates! How the heck would anybody know the sky from the trees if Starbucks didn't make the changing of seasons so rigidly apparent for us?

The answer is they wouldn't.

So bottoms up, everyone! It's still way too warm out to consume anything hot of course, but you're gonna have to go ahead and suck it up, ok? It's autumn now. Deal with it.