coffee

part fifteen

It should be awkward as Brendon crawls into Ryan's bed, he should feel strange and uncomfortable. he doesn't though; Ryan's bed feels too familiar for him to feel awkward, and he curls into the blankets instantly, finding his niche.

Ryan is in Jon's room next door, making sure that he and Spencer will be okay for the night. Brendon can hear Jon's muffled voice apologizing, passing on his penance through the paper-thin wall.

"It's fine," Ryan's voice says, soothing and gentle. "Let's just forget about it."

"But Brendon -" Jon protests.

"He's okay," Ryan assures him, and Brendon nods to himself.

"I scared him, Ryan," Jon says. "You saw his face. I scared him."

"I'll take care of it, okay Jonny?" Ryan says. "You just rest, and I'll check in on him, make sure he's doing okay."

"Fine," Jon says. "Tell him I'm sorry."

"I think he knows. Goodnight guys."

"Goodnight," Spencer and Jon chorus. Brendon hears their door click shut, and glances up to see Ryan standing in the doorway, watching him, a tiny smile on his face.

"Comfy?" He asks, stepping into the room, closing the door behind him. Brendon nods.

"I always liked your bed," he says. Then, his face turns serious, and he looks at Ryan with severe eyes. "I'm okay," he says. "I was then, and I am now."

"Good," Ryan says, and the word is so loaded, so full of meaning. "You - you shouldn't have seen any of that. That was - that wasn't Jon, you know?"

"It was the drugs," Brendon says. "I get it."

"You don't, though," Ryan laughs quietly. "You really don't."

"Then tell me," Brendon says. "'Cause I'm sticking around. Everything goes to shit when I leave you people to yourselves."

"Brendon," Ryan frowns, looking at the younger boy doubtfully. "It's not a pretty story."

"I don't care. I deserve this much, Ryan, the truth."

"Fine," Ryan relents. "Just - just don't judge us for who we were."

"And you don't censor it," Brendon replies. "Don't clean it up for my sake."

"Right," Ryan says, and takes a deep breath. "Okay. So it starts in my Sophomore year of high school. I'm sixteen. Jon's a new student, just moved from Chicago, and people say he's a cokehead. And me, well, I've got nothing to lose but a substandard grade point average and a shitty home life. So I sit with Jon Walker at lunch. Turns out, yeah, he is a cokehead, but he's a nice cokehead. A real good-guy felled by big city peer pressure. So Jon and I, we start hanging out, we get really close. At first, I hang around him because he's the elusive cool-guy senior, but then, then he's so good to me. Holds my hand when I can't sleep, takes care of me when I'm sick. The first time he kisses me, we're on a fucking moonlight picnic, and he's just - he's just so gentle, right? So I give him my virginity, something that I'll never regret, because he makes it perfect. Rose petals, candles, everything, and he really makes me feel like I deserve it, all the affection. It's everything a first time should be. Then, afterwards, Jon doesn't come to school for a while, and I figure he's avoiding me. Got off, and now he's moving on. Turns out, Jon's in the hospital. Drug overdose. So I'm freaking out, because Jon's, like, my boyfriend or whatever, and he's fucked up on drugs. So I go to his apartment, and I find all his shit, and I flush it. Jon comes home the next day, and I figure that he's going to kill me like in the movies. Jon just kisses my cheek, thanks me, and goes to bed. That's the day he first tells me he loves me. He makes me a promise that he's going to quit, and promptly breaks it four days later at a party that I follow him to. And I'm so mad because he betrayed me, so I snort a line or two, and fuck this other guy. Jon finds out, and he's more pissed about me spying on him than anything else. So we go back to his apartment, and he breaks my arm. He throws me out, and I drive myself to the emergency room. I break up with him the next day at school, cast and all, and he tries to kill himself." Ryan takes another breath, and says, "That's part one."