Months went by after that conversation with her on the bench behind the library. It's also been months since graduation. Nothing too memorable. I've started work at a firm in upstate. I also rented an apartment for myself. Never got the time to visit the park though.
After work, I usually hang out at the bar with colleagues, having a drink or two, before walking home. But I didn't go that day. I went straight for home. Reaching my apartment door, there was someone waiting for me. It was someone I haven't seen for quite some time. It was Tyler.
I invited him in and offered to make coffee. He was just fine with a glass of water. I knew from his face, from his eyes, he wasn't there to make light conversations.
He handed me a letter and told me to read it. He didn't open it, as he was merely trusted with delivering it. We talked a little more after that before he left. And I was alone again.
The letter reads;
Hello dear,
How are you? I hope you are happy and doing well. Done something interesting lately? Anything new that you experienced?
I don't know how to start this with, but then again I never really knew how to start anything.
I just want to say thanks.
Thanks for not flipping me off when I told you I love you. Even though you never said anything in return, at least you gave some hope that I had found the right one.
Thanks for being the reason for me to be better. Each time I faced a hurdle, big or small, the reason for me to go through with it was you.
Thanks for being someone I look forward to. Every day when I wake up, I would think about you. Every time my phone vibrates, I would eagerly check if it was you. If it was, I would hastily try to think up a way to say something interesting or funny or caring, although it usually never turned out that way. If it wasn't, I would wait. Sometimes I would just look at the text once and a while and look at your face. Every time we're in class, I would steal a glance at you once and a while, seeing if you're ok. When the class was hanging out together, I would carefully listen to what you say, laugh at all your jokes, and fall in love with your smile, again and again. And every time I pray, alone in a corner somewhere, I would never forget to say your name.
Thanks for being my first true friend. You're the first person I ever actually had the chance to be close with.
I also want you to know that I was never seeing anyone else. The guy was my ex, and he was the one who wanted to see me. He wanted to say he was sorry. It was all a big mistake. I never should have met him again. I was stupid. And it all broke apart from there.
I always loved you, even after what happened. I could never forgive myself for not being a better person for you. I know always troubled you.
And, I guess thanks for the memories. Thanks a lot for being a part of the happiest moments in my life, even if it was for a painfully short while.
Goodbye.
Tears flowed endlessly down my face. Tears of regret, of anger, of disappointment. I sat there, dejected and alone, my body weighing down on myself. I clenched the letters so tightly in my hands that it ripped apart. Even when there were no more tears flowing, my eyes kept on crying.
I found out from Tyler that she was suffering from stage 3 lung cancer. She recently passed away, peacefully at her parents' home. She was buried at a cemetery nearby there, which I visited the next day. I stood there by myself, looking at the fresh dirt mound and the clean, polished tombstone. A lonely tear drop fell to the earth.
Don't say goodbye, Fi. Please don't say goodbye.
