Knockemstiff Ohio....ahhh, home sweet home. Yes people, there is such a place. No, you aint
gonna see it on no travelers brouchure and Id say probably the only place you will see it is on a the map. Its would be a tiny dot that you'd need to squint to see, or maybe in the police reports they post in the paper.
Now the population of Knockemstiff is I'd guess to be around.. ohh, I dont know, 58 or so I guess, if you include the one horse that some of us has had a tendency to talk to after leaving Marys Bar at 2 in the morning. Truth be known, the horse usually made more sense than most folks around there at that time of night. I'd find my buddy Randy out back talkin to it every so often getting some advice on whether or not to get a manly curly perm and should he ask his wife to clip her toe nails.
Marys Bar was the central hub of the Knockemstiff social circle. Everyone went in there and socialized? Yea, right. This place was well known for being one of the roughest places around. They didnt have bar stools as you would know them..nope, they were huge oak logs cut about 4 ft high or so. This was to keep folks from using them on poor ole Billy Bobs head for batting practice. No bottles were allowed. Once again, the Billy Bob thing comes into play. The juke box was bolted to the floor and had plexiglass instead of regular glass to see your selection of music that ranged from Micheal Jacksons "Beat it" to something that resembled a Leonard Skinnard song, dunno, never got past the first 4 notes before it got stuck. It didnt matter no how, you usually couldnt hear it for all the rumbling going on in your head from the ride down the warsh board pitted gravel lane to get there.
Now.. the local babes were something to behold. 5' 2" 180lbs all stuffed into a pair Daisy Duke shorts and halter top. Once again, you can pretty much see where the horse came in. These so called babes became better and better looking as the night went, which is why closing time usually resembled "Fight Night at Met"
Closing time was a something that varied between happy hour gone wild to the start up of the Daytona 500. You had every thing from a drunkin brawl between the Banty Bros over whos gonna hold the door shut.. to the Knockemstiffs version of Daisey Duke gettin her jiggy on with Daryll, king of Duct tape and baling wire. Once again, the horse usually came into play around about this time.
When everyone decided to leave it was Saturday nite at the speedway. Somewhere in the mess there was always the Bo and Luke Dukes in their version of the General Lee... Usually a 79 red primered Pinto with no muffler doin donuts and kickin dust as they left. Youd usually find them outta gas just down the road. Again, the horse comes in.
That my friends is my hometown...Proud of it? Well, sorta..ok, I just lived there. Update on the horse...still the best one to get advice from on a Saturday night in ......Knockemstiff Ohio.
