Let Me In

Chapter 2 - Dauntless

I am waken up by the chirping birds outside my window and made a mental note to get a cat when I move into dauntless. Not 'if' I move into dauntless- 'when' I move into dauntless. My eyes scans the plain little bedroom that I have lived in for the past 16 years, everything looks so familiar but not comfortable. On the chair beside my table, I see a tight yellow top and a pair of red jeans (so dark that it's almost black) laid out for me and feels a rush of guilt. My parents are hinting their acceptance of my departure. With a sigh, I got up and quickly got dressed, no point in delaying what's destined to come.

'Good morning honey' My mother greets me cheerfully but the redness around her eyes proves my theory.

'Morning mother' I replied, grabbing a piece of toast while trying to ignore the guilt that has been tugging me for the past few days, weeks, months, years even.

'I made pancakes, can't let my little girl have toast on such a special day.' She snatched the toast out of my hand and instead hands me a plate of fresh, warm, fluffy pancakes. My eyes feels wet but I immediately look up and holds my breath, a trick I have been using for years to prevent anyone from seeing me at such a weak status. My mother makes the best pancakes, and this small detail makes me realize how much more of my old life I need to say goodbye to.

'And the sleeping beauty awakes' My dad walks through the door and gives me a hug. Don't breath Alyssia, and just keep on looking up. I said to my self as the water in my eyes increases. I was too focused on my own happiness that I completely forgot how much my decision can potentially hurt my parents. The guilt hit me again but I fight against it, there's a reason I am not choosing abnegation.

I stuff down the pancakes but savoring every last flavor of it, hoping to remember every detail of my mother. My parents simply ate some toast with strawberry jam, a bit more toast than usual I might add. Maybe grief can cause hunger?

                                                                          ***

The choosing ceremony is buzzed with excitement, but it's easy to see the stress in ever 16 year old's eyes and the fear in every 16 year old's parents. My parents and I took a seat as Marcus-the leader of Abnegation-made his infamous speech that he uses every year. His words are like wind through my ears, acknowledged but not heard. I take a glimpse at my parents, and immediately wish I didn't. Although the a smile is on each of their faces, their enclosed hands are so tightly held onto each other that their knuckles appears white. I draw in a deep breath, at least they know what to expect from me.

'Alyssia Wildings' Jeanine Matthews pronounces my name carefully emphasizing every syllable.

My mother squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek, her kiss is surprisingly comforting. My father pulled me in for a last embrace.

'Be brave' He whispers. I am so shocked that I can only manage a small nod. He not only knew what I am choosing, he encourages it.

I strides across the stage and carefully picks up a knife. It feels dangerous in my hand, I can threaten anyone in here yet ironically, I am going to cut myself. I hold my hand across the coals and waits for the blood's sizzle to announce my decision.

'Dauntless!' Cheer fills the dauntless group but Jeanine looks at me -no- stares at me. Not like an accusing stare, more like I am a half-solved maths puzzle she is trying to finish solving. Her stare contained confusion, shock and even a bit of realization, eventually the side of her lips lifts up and she offers me the slightest nod. I smile back and joins the welcoming embraces from my new family.

The remaining ceremony is filled with questions from dauntless boys trying to interact with me. I disregard their questions and instead moved to a seat next to a Candor transfer. She smiles at me but don't bother introducing herself so nor did I. There is a reason I left Amity.