The smell of books. A couple days ago, I would have said I adored the way the musty smell danced around my nose. It used to be comforting, you could say. Never would I have thought this smell would bring an unbearable, almost painful feeling.
I let my fingers glide over the spines of the books, reminiscing a time when I used to stay up late into the night, reading fantasy worlds I could only dream of living in as Levi playfully twisted my hair in his hands. Sometimes, we would sit by the fire and sip tea as he scribbled into his notebook. How could that only have been a few days ago?
They say time goes slow when you're in pain. Physically, I am unscathed. Mentally, I have cuts. Memories, regrets, heartbreak. I stopped in my tracks when my finger ghosted over the book I was looking for. Well, it was not a book, it was a journal. Levi's journal. I carefully slipped it out of its place and sat down onto the wooden floor.
This journal had an obvious age to it. The front was tattered with small ink stains. I let myself give a hallow chuckle when I pictured Levi cursing to himself and trying to wipe of the small smudges. I carefully opened the book, skimming over the first page. Tears built in my eyes when I started reading,
My dearest Eren,
It has come to my attention that you intend to marry me after all of this is over, and I just want to say...that I would love nothing more. My life has been long and hard and you've not only shone a light of hope for humanity, but you saved me from my own torturous thoughts. I remember seeing you for the first time, the determination in your eyes. I pittied you, I thought that you would be weak. It never occurred to me that someone could hold such love in their heart. Love that I was lucky enough to have, to return.
So I suppose, the point of this letter, is to tell you that I love you, Eren. More than anyone I've ever loved before. And if I die, I want you to continue with that same determination and hope in your heart. I will always be with you, I will always be yours.
Your lover, friend, and Captain, Corporal Levi"
I stared at the ink on the page, scrawled in levis neat, quick handwriting. I couldn't move, my eyes were fixed on this sheet of paper, this paper that tore me apart. I was angry with him. I was mad that he sacrificed his life for me. Anger and regret coursed through me, tears blurred my vision. I reached up to the top of the letter with both hands and ripped it in two, just as it had done to me.
I felt hopeless. I felt like screaming. I chocked out was a sob as I clutched the ripped paper. I let my eyes fall to the paper and I let out a gasp.
"No, No, No..." I whispered and frantically tried to put the pieces back together.
Many of the words had become small smears on the paper, unreadable. That was the first and the last time I would have ever been able to read Levi's letter.
"I'm sorry, Levi, I'm so sorry," I whimpered out.
My small whimpers became echoing sobs, filling my ears with my own cries.
Why did you have to leave me too, Levi?
