What We Deserve

Gone

         We need to talk, the four words everyone in love fears. But it happened anyways, Ethan had said them and Julia knew what was coming. She had a weird feeling that Ethan was pulling away a while ago, but she always believed that she could change that, make things good again. They were best friends before they were in a relationship, she could fix any issues they had when they were friends, why should them being in a relationship be any different? Right? Wrong. Those four words was her death sentence, she has no choice but to go with it hoping more than anything that he wasn't going to leave.

Ethan had asked to meet her Infront of their local mall, they didn't live too far from each other but far enough to go to different schools.

He was already waiting for her as she arrived
" hey, thanks for meeting me"
" yea no problem sorry I'm late" she said trying to smile and make light of the situation
"Yea, no it's no big deal I just got here anyways"there was a sombreness in his voice, he was dreading something, he was stalling
"is something wrong?"
" no, it's just......"
"Ethan what's wrong?"
" are you eating gum?" He said diverting his eyes from hers, changing the conversation
"Yea.... Why?"
".... No reason.... It's just.... Ok your so good at reading my mind do you know what I wanna say?" And She knew she knew full well what he was going to say but dreaded the reality of the situation

" no Ethan I don't can you just say what you have to say already, I'm in no mood to play your little games yea?"

"Ok ok, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.... I don't mean to hurt you, it's just ugh. Ok." Julia rolled her eyes, she knew what was coming, she felt her stomach twist and turn and tie into knots, But at this point she just needed it to be over. So she could go home and cry about it, because right now standing infront of him, there was no other option but to stay strong.

"I wanna break up." A stagger straight through her heart. Though she knew it was coming, the initial shock and blow of the piercing words that came out of his mouth were overwhelming. She stood speechless for a second, trying to internally regather herself even though she could feel her heart physically breaking.

"Oh. Yea I understand" she said looking to her side and running her fingers through her hair. Trying to hide the tears that already were welling up in her eyes. But he wouldn't stop staring at her, she felt his eyes pierce through her but this time unlike the first time he laid eyes on her it hurt. 

" I don't mean to hurt you. You know that. I lo... Lov." He couldn't even finish that sentence before he skipped it and said " It's just I'm sorry. Are you ok?"

"Yea yea I'm fine, and I know you would never mean to hurt me I understand, sometimes people just don't work. I get it your fire and I'm ice we don't work. She said shrugging her shoulders trying to act as if she didn't care. But he could see through her. He could see right through her act, he knew he had just broken her.

" I know you, you say that now, but your not fine, I know your not." Julia could feel tears well up in her eyes. She took a deep breath and quickly with the sleeve of her oversized jumper he had given her months prior, she could still smell him on the sweater

" no really I'm good, don't worry about me, I'll be just fine" she managed to force a smile through the pain. But she has never felt anything more exhausting.

He pulled her into his arms for the last time and though she tried to fight it, she melted into his arms once again. "I'm sorry, but you deserve way better than what I can give you, you will find someone else, I don't deserve you." he whispered in her ear before pulling away. Julia could once again feel the knot in her stomach and the tears forcing their way out of her eyes. all she could think was " you idiot what about what I want, I don't want anything better than what you've given me, you are all I want I don't give a fuck about what I deserve, I just want you." She wanted more than anything to say that to him. But she couldn't, she was too broken to beg him to stay, she was too tired of being people to love her.

Ethan looked down at his watch that she gave him for their 3 month anniversary. Julia forced a false giggle

"You sure love that watch"
"Well of course, you got ...." He didn't bother to finish, it would just make the situation worse.

"my parents are expecting me home, I should go" Julia nodded and watched as he turned and walked away. She put her hand on the infinity necklace he had gotten her as their promise present. She remembered when Ethan made up the stupid idea, where they each got each other's something to wear around their neck to keep close to their heart.

He got her the infinity necklace because he loved her to infinity and beyond. And she got him a dream catcher because she had caught the boy of her dreams. She noticed he wasn't wearing his necklace anymore, but Julia just couldn't take hers off.

With each step she took on her way home tears streamed down her face like there was no tomorrow. She felt like she was going to run dry, that eventually when she did it would all stop, but it never did, it never stopped hurting.

She could see people start to stare, she tried to stop crying, but the tears just wouldn't stop. The walk home wasn't far but it felt endless that night. She ran as fast as her feet could take her. Hoping to avoid bumping into anyone she knew. She ran until she couldn't breathe and then ran some more. She needed her mind to stop. To stop thinking to stop replaying what had happened, to just stop.