The Clean Ones

Chapter 18

C.

I was unable to succumb to sleep no matter how much my eyes wanted to defy my brain. Instead I lay in bed awake, with my eyes focused on making shapes out of the peeling paint on the ceiling. It had to be at least five in the morning now; Perri would be heading out any minute. The thought made my insides tie together in knots. Was she ready for the information that would be bestowed upon her? Yes, she was a strong girl, but it was information that would make even the strongest people break. Myself, included.
How does someone react to the knowledge that they've been lied to for practically their whole life? Not only that, but they've been lied to by the people they felt they could trust the most. I cannot imagine that it is a good feeling. I just hope that, despite all the truths I've kept from her all these years, that she will understand my reasoning for why I had to keep it from her. If she doesn't forgive me, I'm not sure what I will do. If I could be the one to tell her this information, I could've explained why I did what I did. That I never meant for it to go this far. That I hurt the people closest to me in the process. But, most importantly, that I did it all out of love for her.
Before I would leave to go to her time, Delta would always ask me if it was worth it. If this girl was really worth defying the law and risking exposure. Every time I would reply with the same answer. Yes, Delta, she is worth it. One day you will see for yourself. And she would, she did, all because our thoroughly-crafted plan succeeded.
Delta did not have access to a Retrograde until we met when I was only ten years old. My parents had just died and she had just run away from hers at a mere eight years old. She needed a place to stay, and Bridgette and I let her in with us. It was around that time that I first began to experiment with the Reteograde. My parents had given me theirs before they passed on. They told me to use it to evade the draft for the war and to provide a better life for my sister and I. Unfortunately, I failed them, and used it for more selfish reasons than that.
It was purely an accident that landed me with Perri. Being both overly curious and overly stimulated did not mix well with holding an incredibly powerful device. I opened up the top of the small, black box and typed random numbers into the keypad until the vortex popped up without much warning at all. Mesmerized by the blinding purple light, I stuck my hand inside of it. A scream escaped me as it pulled me inside and sent me away from my current reality.
The feeling of traveling for the first time is not one you will ever forget. It felt as if all my bones had disintegrated, leaving me a melted, buttery substance of fat and flesh. The most nauseous feeling consumes your mind, one so strong that you cannot help but want to release all the vomit built up inside your throat. It's like dying, though I'm not sure what that feels like either.

After all, I'm not dead.

Liam is dead. Everything that is or was Liam has burnt to ash. Everything he was ceases to exist in this world. But Cale, on the other hand, he still exists. His story is far from over. He has not finished his time here, and doesn't plan on finishing it any time soon.
Two different souls in one body. Such could be so, only in that one was a lie. One never should have existed. It only did because of the other's stupidity. Liam never was a real person, never will be, and never should have been.
If I had made the travel using my real name, Cale, I would have been discovered much quicker than I actually was. Even though Retrogrades are supposedly illegal, our beloved Mayor Johnson has quite a few of them for himself. I'm not quite sure how he justifies it as being a way of regulating a Clean society, but frankly, I don't really care. The concept of a Clean society was one that needed to be done. Sure, it worked, in some sense, but it was not a healthy way of living, by any means. The only one who truly understood that was Lilliana.
She knew about me and the lie I chose to live around her home. She understood, and did her best to help conceal the truth to others. She was the reason I was given a job in the government that allowed me to travel outside the community and back to my home for extended periods of time. That is how I was able to help protect her from the upcoming war. Delta had managed to get her hands on a Retrograde and used it to examine the prolonged effects of my frequent traveling. Unfortunately, it didn't result in a stock of frequent-flyer miles and free hotel rooms. It would result in my death. A particular Cleanse that I would attend one July afternoon with Miss Bennett herself would stir up an uprising.
To keep up the act, I was required to attend the Cleanse every month. Lilliana told me that it would kill all suspicions raised about me. I wasn't too keen on the idea at first, until she told me that it would not work on me.
Since the Cleanse worked on her, though only partially, we could only have these secretive conversations on the second Monday of every month. When her brain was...normal. She explained to me that the Cleanse was horribly flawed. Because the Mayor was under the impression that he had taken hold of all the Retrogrades in the country, the Cleanse was made to be used on the current generations and all those of the future. Not those of the past. That made me exempt from this ridiculous experiment.