The 100 - The Princess' Guilt

Her Silence

Bellamy

She was back and I couldn't breathe unless I saw one of the 47 trailing along after her. She was back, had set up tent within an hour after her return near the fence but still in the vicinity of the 47, and every day worked alongside someone different . . . just never me - or Octavia.

At first I couldn't tell if it was because the others knew we didn't want to be around her right now, but then I realized that she was purposefully keeping her distance from us and I had no idea why. I mean I knew exactly why, there were so many reasons why she was doing it, I wanted to know which one specifically, though.

Was it because she resented me for forcing her to come back before she was ready? Or that she doesn't want to lead again? There were too many to keep listing but the one I kept worrying the most about was, what if she didn't want to?

Those were the thoughts that plagued me at night as I stared up at my tent ceiling, knowing that I wouldn't get any shuteye before my patrol in a few hours. And I always did manage to get some hours of sleep, albeit the minimum I'd once counted being five hours. The nightmares that used to torment me weren't as frequent and I refused to believe it was because of the knowledge that she was here, sleeping just on the other side of the 47's tents, alive and breathing.

No matter how warm my heart felt at the fact that Clarke was in Camp Jaha, the anger at myself came that I was so obviously affected by her presence, so I took it as a blessing that she kept her distance, allowing me to push my feelings away and instead focus on the construction of the smokehouse and the dorms we were focusing on at the moment. I kept tabs with Jasper and Ryan who were in charge of the project, for the most part, only reporting to Kane about their progress every few days. I kept an eye on the others who never actually stayed with one job. They were taking full advantage of the fact that the adults were still organizing everything that had come down with the Ark.

Instead of assigning the kids to the stations they'd grown up in, they were breaking through the metal sheets of walls in the Ark, to get past the crumpled doors and search their fallen ship for lost supplies they could utilize instead. It was a brilliant move that Wick had actually mentioned to me when I'd voiced my worries to him and Raven one day before her return. The adults had been getting antsy with the kids and the fights that kept breaking out and Wick had set down his wrench he'd been using on some contraption or other and excitedly whispered how to keep them busy. I had immediately suggested it to Kane who brightened visibly at the thought of untold riches they could find in their broken space station.

Since then, the kids had gone through the Camp, every day, switching jobs, trying to assess what they actually liked and what they were good at, and it had been working. Monty still liked to work with the agro people but every two days he was found working alongside Raven and Wick, suggesting quietly to put a wire here and screw in a bolt there. Raven and Wick took to him easily, bantering around him and including him in their conversations and thought processes when they were working something out. Harper loved being with the Guard, holding a gun gave her more confidence every day but she still loved hanging around Monroe and Willow and Teresa and the party that went out foraging. Kelly and Alan have found themselves experimenting how to grill meat with the cooks and Zack always comes back with the hunting party and skins all the meats himself while Natalie shows the adult cooks how to make stews, broths, and boil soups. Cassie and Evan are often found with Taylor, mending, sewing and learning how to knit to make thicker blankets and clothes. I can't help but beam with pride every time I find a genuine smile on one of my kids' faces.

They're still healing but for the first time since we've been down here, they don't have to fight to survive, now they're actually living.

The only thing that's been odd is that normally when I wake at night - either after a nightmare or for my Guard patrol - it's late enough that I can hear one of the others' suffering in their sleep, but by the time I get to them, they're calm and sleeping peacefully. It wasn't until last night when I'd finally learned the reason.