Deep inside I knew. I always knew being gay was something I had accepted myself to be. The feelings I got when I would see a boy with no shirt on. How I would react to the touch of a cute boy who bumped into me in school. Inside I knew I wasn't different. Society is what made up my fear. Knowing that if I told this boy how I felt when he took off his shirt, or if I turned around to kiss him one day when he bumped into me that everyone would treat me different. That fear is what keeps me up at night. That fear is what keeps me from being who I really am. That fear is why I'm still in the closet, terrified of coming out.
Walking from class to class I always saw him standing with his friend's. Brown hair, blue eyes, with this nice dark tone tan he gets from soccer practice. Once and while he would catch me looking at him. I feel like he knows about me. The real me, but how? I haven't ever actually been with a guy or a girl. My 10th grade year and yet I haven't even had my first kiss. I knew i was gay though. Between gay porn and my own thoughts had no doubt in my mind about being gay. What he would do when he saw me looking would send chills through my body. I couldn't help it, every time I would just look down my faded black Converse and speed walk to my next class. I never understand why I speed walk though seeing how I have 4th and 5th period with him. Sitting behind him in 4th period and right next to him in 5th. Speed walking never did me justice because he could just talk to me in class and confront me on why I always look at him. The amount of notes I have wrote over and over again in hope of one day giving go him are endless. I have filled 2 composition note books and 2 folders of nothing but love notes from 7th grade to now. Still stuck over this fear of coming out, and having him reject me and my love for him keeps me filling the folders and notebooks rather then giving them to him.
