Despising Love

t w o

I don't know when exactly I woke up, or how long I stayed like that for, but all I could feel was this surreal feeling like I was floating on a cloud. Like nothing was real.

Occasionally, my mind would drift and I would end up listening into the conversations of the doctors and nurses.

'Can't you do anything aboutu it....'

'She looks so peaceful. Don't you think we should....'

'I wish the cafeteria had better food...'

The snippets of conversation were so weird that I couldn't make any sense of it all, so I turned my mind to my own thoughts.

You know that feeling where it feels like you've forgotten something which you know you should remember? Like when you're in a test and you know the answer to the question but you just can't remember what you're meant to write. That was what my mind was feeling like, and I just couldn't remember what I was supposed to remember.

And then it hit me. Like a massive truck had just run over me, and then reversed back over the top of me. I was gasping like a fish and I struggled in my hospital bed. One of the male nurses rushed over and tried to hold me down. I hit him on the head and then tried to push him away, but I was pretty weak so he just ignored me and yelled at one of the other male nurses to come and help him.

I was screaming at them and I didn't even realise it. I don't know how I managed to do it, but I was gasping and screaming and struggling all at the same time. A doctor came and grabbed my arm, and I tried to move his arm away but he wouldn't budge. Then he jabbed something into my forearm and my whole arm went floppy.

My head felt heavy, but I had stopped screaming and struggling. Well, it was more like I couldn't, because the nurses were pinning me down. Someone else came over and put a pillow under my head.

I was crying big fat tears, from the pain and confusion that I was feeling. For some reason, I could taste something acidic in my mouth and it made me want to gag. I tried to move my arms, but they wouldn't budge. That freaked me out because it was like having no control over my body. I started to cry even more.

Somebody patted my head and whispered in my ear, 'Just relax and you'll be fine.'

***

When I woke up again there was a male nurse hovering nearby, probably just making sure that I didn't go all psycho again. He looked kind of nervous, so when I smiled at him he visibly relaxed. I turned my head to the side as the door opened. I saw Ruby leading someone behind her while having a hushed conversation.

"Now just remember, you're her first visitor so far so she might be a little bit shocked..." Ruby trailed off when she noticed that I was watching her. I was probably looking at her strangely. My attention turned to the woman who stood slightly behind Ruby. She timidly waved at me from her distance.

"Aunty Izzy?" I called out to her.

"Oh Amber sweetie," she replied, hurrying towards me. She enveloped me in a huge, warm hug. I could feel her shaking slightly as she held me and I think she was crying. I mean who could blame her, her sister had just died, her nephew was in a coma, her niece was suffering from mental illnesses and her other sister a.k.a my mother(if you could even call her that) was an alcoholic, among other things. So yeah, our lives were pretty messed up.

Once my aunt had calmed herself down she started quizzing me on how I was. I mostly just shrugged the questions off as I wasn't really the mood to talk. I think Aunty Izzy eventually took the hint and she finally stopped. She looked down at her hands awkwardly and I'm pretty sure it was because she couldn't find anything to fill the void. I guess given the circumstances, there wasn't really that much to talk about.

"Have you seen her at all recently?" I asked.

"Um...I'm sorry who?" she replied giving me the I-actually-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about look.

"Her. The other sister. Saffron. You know..." I said, raising my eyebrows in the process.

"Oh, you mean your mother, right?" Aunty said eagerly. I nodded. "Well, in that case, no. The last I saw of her was last Christmas," she said sadly. That was last time that I had seen her as well.

Aunty Izzy gave me a sorry look. "It's fine," I said with a shrug, "I just thought that she might have come to see us after everything that's happened." Aunty Izzy looked like she was going to cry again.

Just then, Ruby came to my rescue. "Well I think Amber should be getting some rest now, she looks pretty tired out." Aunty Izzy nodded and blushed slightly at the thought of imposing upon us. Ruby began to usher her out the door but before she could leave, she stopped and began digging in her handbag.

"I almost forgot," she said with a grim expression, "This is for you," she said, handing me a brown paper package in the process.

I carefully untied the paper and pulled out the book that was inside. "Who's it from?" I asked looking up at her.

"It's from your dad," she replied, "He gave it to me when I popped by his house to talk about where you would be living now that Heather isn't...around."

"What did he say?" I looked at her hopefully.

"He said his life is pretty busy right now, so he wasn't sure if he could handle you. But I'm sure you could stay with me or maybe your Granny." She said giving me a pained smile. "What book is it?"

I pulled out the book and gave a grimace as I turned it around to show them. "Grief. Dealing with death and loss, and the trauma involved." Both Ruby and Aunty Izzy winced at that. I mean seriously, he couldn't have given me a more blunt gift when facing the death of my closest family member. An even better gift would have been being present throughout my life, instead of being completely out of the picture.

"That's just bull. I mean, where has he been my entire life and where is he now. Not here obviously. And what about Nick, it's been even harder for him with not really seeing mum at all during his entire life, plus having never met his dad. What is this stupid book gonna do for my little brother? He's in a freaking coma for heaven's sakes. How is this gonna help Aunt Heather? She isn't even here anymore!" I finally lost it and threw the book at the wall.

"Honey, I don't think that's what your dad meant. I think he was just trying to -" I interrupted Aunty Izzy.

"It's just not fair! She was young and she had so many things planned out for her life. It just isn't fair. Life's not fair at all." In frustration, I rubbed the angry tears that had been forming out of my eyes.

"I think it's best that you leave, she's going through some pretty tough stuff so she might just need some calming down time. You can come see her another day." Nurse Ruby ushered my aunt out the door. Aunty Izzy nodded along to what she was saying.

"Well, bye darling. I'll come back and visit you another day," she said, waving as she left. Nurse Ruby closed the door behind her. I punched my pillow a few times to get out my anger and glared at the book where it lay across the room. Nurse Ruby walked towards it and picked it up, tucking it under her arm.

"I'll be back in a little while with your dinner, okay?" I nodded in reply. She smiled at me and then left the room, taking the book with her, quite to my relief. I flopped back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

What am I going to do...

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I just want to say a big thank you to you if you are reading this book. I know that it's not amazing so far but it means a lot to me if you are reading this. So give yourself a pat on the back for making your way through this and it will (hopefully) start getting a bit better.

♥ elmo19840