Now I believe my rambles and rants have gone on for too long. Maybe it helped you see who I am inside. Maybe it made you hate me or even in extreme cases it made you love me. However now as I sit here it has dawned on me again that I am alone. Loneliness, the curse that never leaves me, a friend that will never abandon me. He strikes fear to all those he has not touched. And he drives those caught in his vicious grasp to despair. But he knows I am different, I will not run away from him, instead I will embrace him.
Yes, I will embrace loneliness, that which most of us have been unable to do. And as a result I will rise to a different class. Maybe even a class of my own. I will rise because I have realized what few have been capable of realizing. Loneliness makes me stronger. For a very long time I wallowed in the dark pit of loneliness curing my luck and the world for being mean to me. How foolish I was! Now I know the truth, the world did not curse me, it chose me.
It is true the world looked around and deemed me worthy. It continued to collaborate with fate on how they will make me great. They are the ones who took me and left me in the dark abyss that is loneliness. And now destiny has seen how great their idea was and she has decided to join the coalition.
Let me tell you why loneliness makes me strong, it is because of the pain. As I said before humans are very social creatures and due to the fact that we are capable of excluding one of our own we are capable of forcing them to endure the pain that is torture. Due to this pain I became strong. Pain is equal to strength. Only those who have felt true pain are capable of rising up above the rest.
Some may say this is sick and twisted and that love is the way to go but I laugh at these people. Love lies to us that everything will be ok. Love traps us in an illusion, an illusion which contorts our minds into believing that we are happy and we only realize how foolish we have been when love finally abandons us.
However, through unexpected mediums a person purported to me that love makes a person strong because they will do anything to protect those who he/she loves. This is true but it only ads to my argument. Love only makes you strong when you are faced with the prospect of losing a loved one and if you look at this closely you will realize that it is not love that makes you strong, it is only the prospect of the impending pain that will consume you when your loved one leaves you.
If pain is so powerful it can strengthen a person only by the fact that that has person has foreseen the coming of pain, think about what would happen if you embrace pain fully, without any inhibitions. Only when you do this will you be able to realize what it means to be strong.
And so here I am giving myself into the loneliness and the pain in order to grow stronger. I already notice the differences as compared to before I gave in to the pain. However, is there a risk of me losing myself? Is there a possibility that I will be so adapted to pain that I turn myself into a monster that is forever doomed from enjoying the niceties of normalcy? Or on the other had is this whole ramble of pain and strength a face façade designed to ease the disappointment that is my life?
Despite the fact that it is a question to me I will go on to answer it. I do believe that the final two questions feed each other fifty-fifty. There is a possibility that if I get high on the pain and strength argument, I would turn into an organism that no one would like to be associated with. However, it is also true that the whole pain and strength argument is a philosophy that I have developed in order to justify my loneliness and further my embracing the loneliness itself.
I have to ask whether this is healthy, no that is not the word the proper word is reasonable. Should people or for this purpose should I be conducting or to some extent operating myself in this manner. It is a delicate balance between being dangerous on one hand and being pathetic on the other hand. So in case the balance is disrupted and in most cases it usually is which is the safest place to lean? Is it to be dangerous or to be pathetic?
This is why I hate balancing things. It is too difficult. We all know it is very difficult to balance a tool as simple as a see saw. The difficulty even extends to trying to balance a pencil on your finger. It is almost impossible to get it completely level and even if you do it requires a very high level of concentration to be able to maintain that balance. This is why I find it distasteful that I am required to maintain a balance in the name of living my life.
