just another average kid.

September 8th, 2015

So, its less than 12 hours to my first day of sophomore year. And I don't know how to feel about it.

Well, to be honest, its like a mix of emotions. Excited that I'll be friends again since I lost most of them over the summer or just not talked to them. Happy because my schedule is amazing this year and I won't be taking math. Disappointed because I have classes with no friends. Sad because I haven't dealt with my depression and anger issues.

Now, getting to bigger fish that we must fry. I don't have anyway else to say it but my only parent makes me feel like shit and everyone I talk to says its okay. Like, they don't realize how much she's hurt me over the 15 years I've been living with her. She makes me feel ugly and I shouldn't be living. All she points out is all the bad parts of me and throws out to the world to see. And let me tell you, just because I have sex once, everybody calls me a whore. And, she just makes me feel so sad and worthless. But, that doesn't matter to her. All that matters to her is that the bills are being paid. My siblings, well, I love them but I'm the black sheep. Hated by everyone. And after while of being hated. You start to hate yourself, right? I don't know. I've tried to seek help but its so hard because I'm so young and everybody says "it gets better" and I'm like "when? Cause it sure feels like i will forever be like this and I'm a waste of space"

I've tried so hard to tell someone but nobody cares. My mom refuses to take me back to the therapist again. And you know why? All because I asked her to come in and talk to me in front of the therapist because most of my depression and anger is from her. And she says she supports me but how can she help and support me if she's the reason for me being so angry and sad. And all I want her to do is just stop making me feel this way.