Torn

Chapter 2

Amanda hears a faint knock on her door in the afternoon the next week. She opens it to see Sonny, once again wearing his badge proudly. She looks down at her bare feet.
"Hi Sonny."
"Hi Amanda."
"What do you want?" She asks, annoyance in her voice. He steps in, and closes the door behind him.
"I wanted to talk to you." She swallows nervously and sits down, looking back at her closed bedroom door.
"I know it's been three long years-"
"And I don't miss you, Sonny! Get that through your head."
"That's not what I came for. I wanted to know why you lost feelings for me."
"Sonny, I loved you. But then I figured I'd never see you again, and forgot about you and most of the squad."
"Most of the squad?" Her bedroom door opens, and Barba walks out. Sonny's eyes grow wide.
"I have to go to the squadroom and do some paperwork." He kisses her and walks out the door, leaving Sonny in utter disbelief.
"When did this happen, Amanda?"
"Last year."
"I knew you had something going on with our District Attorney! You make me sick, Amanda." His eyes fill with hot tears as he fills with anger. He clenches his fist and brings his hand up to hit her. She swallows as his hand strikes her face, and slowly wraps her arms around herself.
"I only did it to fulfill my need for you. But you obviously don't feel the same way." She strokes her stinging cheek. "Get out of my apartment, Carisi." He sighs.
"I love you, Amanda." She holds back tears as she turns her back.
"I can't-" she gets a flashback of her assault.

"What the hell did you do? You killed my child." He punches her, pain shooting through her jaw. He pulled a gun on her. "Why'd you kill my child? Are you afraid of rape?"

"I'm sorry Sonny. I'm really sorry." She walks into her bedroom, shutting the door. She hears him approach it.
"Amanda, can't we just talk?"
"I'm scared of you now, Sonny?"
"It was habit. I promise-"
"So you have a habit of HITTING WOMEN, SONNY?!"
"Amanda, no. Let me in."
"No." He kicks the door open, and sits next to her.
"I recognize that PTSD moment you just had. I may not have loved you for three years, but I still remember what it looks like. Can Barba notice?" He asks.
"No." Amanda mumbles. "He can't. I barely even see him. He's always working, and doesn't make any time for me." Sonny gently takes Amanda's hands.
"If you're not happy, let him go. I know it will benefit you." She sighs.
"You're right." She gets up to turn on the TV. Nick is on screen.
"The perpetrator of Manhattan's Special Victim's Unit murder has been found." Both Amanda and Sonny pay attention.
"Chief Hamlin from Atlanta Special Victims Unit. He has a history of sexual assault and murder. It's been found that he's murdered all of his rape victims. Manhattan Special Victims Unit is still investigating on whether this happened to Detective Amaro." Amanda closes her eyes.
"Hamlin..." Sonny looks at her with concern. "Hurt me for years, and never murdered me." She converts her attention back to the television.
"If you have come in contact with this man, please call us." Amanda turns off the TV, and suddenly feels angry.
"I've tried repeatedly to tell Rafael about how I was assaulted-" he puts his hands on Amanda's shoulders.
"He's not right for you. He doesn't care."
"You're damn right he doesn't care, Sonny! I'd trade anything in the world for you and I to be in a relationship again." He leans in to kiss him, and suddenly feels overtaken by emotions and love. She hears the doorknob click open.
"I'd like you to explain to me what the hell is going on, Amanda!" She jumps up.
"I-" she looks over to Sonny.
"Tell him. Be honest." Amanda shakes her head.
"I can't." She says to Rafael, standing up to hug him.
"I missed you, Rafi."