Be Careful

An Elephant in the Room

Merlin opened his eyes slowly. He felt so tired and his limbs felt heavy. He gazed around the room to find it was empty and an odd sense of peace washed over him. It was good to be alone with his thoughts again. Although, this was how it started. His eyes tracked the small particles of dust dancing in the sun and wished this would be just another normal day. Just another day of working for Arthur and doing his laundry and preparing his food and whatever else he would have to do. Just another day of collecting herbs for Gaius and delivering medicine. But it was not. He had tried to commit suicide and that was that. It was simply a fact. And Merlin hated it.

Merlin regretted jumping. He regretted leaving without an explanation. He regretted thinking rashly. He regretted the pain he must have put Arthur and Gaius through. But most of all, he regretted leaving Arthur. He shouldn't have done that. Arthur needed him. But he did and now he'd have to suffer the consequences.

At least, he was alone for now. Merlin didn't want to face them. He wanted everything to go back to normal and to pretend it never happened. But no. He'd have to talk to Gaius and go through the hard process of explaining what the hell he was thinking and then they'd have to fabricate a story to tell Arthur.

Merlin closed his eyes and sighed. He'd deal with that when the time came. For now, he'd sleep and pretend all was well with the world.

.....

The next time he woke up Arthur was there. He was asleep in a chair beside his bed with a blanket covering him. Merlin just stared at him. He knew he should talk to him, but he didn't want to. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were. He sighed and panicked when it caught in his throat. He was going to cough. And once he did that Arthur would wake up. And once that happened he would have to talk to him.

That's exactly what happened. Arthur opened his eyes and saw Merlin's staring back.

"Merlin!" He responded. He jumped out of his chair, but, being right beside his bed he had nowhere to go, so he sat back down again. "How are you?" He asked.

Merlin shrugged. What was he supposed to say? Saying "fine" or anything of the sort would be ridiculous. And he certainly couldn't say "terrible" because that'd just be weird.

Arthur sighed and stared out the window for a few moments before looking back at him.

"What were you thinking?" He asked.

In that moment, Merlin's heart started to race and he suddenly had a hard time breathing. Now he knew what he'd been afraid of. He wasn't afraid of the conversation. He was afraid of what would happen after it. He was afraid of the unknown.

"I don't know." Merlin replied, and it was true. He didn't know what he'd been thinking. He'd been stupid, oh so stupid. What in the world had he been thinking?

Arthur ran a hand through his hair and tried a different approach. "Why did you jump?"

Merlin's breath caught in his throat.

"I- I," He stammered. "I did it because... I lost someone I love." He could feel tears streaming down his face and his cheeks burned. He willed himself to stop crying, to not make Arthur feel any worse than he already did, but his body betrayed him and kept crying.

There were raw emotions in Arthur's eyes and he opened his mouth but closed it again; as if he couldn't find the words to express them.

"Who?" He asked, finally breaking some of the tension in the room.

"Her name was Freya," Merlin said.

"What happened?" Arthur seemed hesitant to ask, but it had to be done.

"I met her here, in Camelot. She was enchanted by a witch. At night, she would turn into a beast and she would be forced to kill people. She hated herself for it. She said that I made her feel loved..." Merlin paused as he took a second to collect himself. "I took care of her. I gave her food and spent time with her. I even gave her a dress." He smiled softly to himself. "But... one night I found out about the curse. I told her we could leave. Find a lake and live together. Away from everyone. Somewhere where there'd be no one to put in danger." Frowning, he cast his eyes toward the floor, unable to meet Arthur's eyes. "The next night, I came with my bag packed and we were ready to go. But she was gone. That's when I heard shouting in the streets. I knew what had happened. I ran and tried to stop her before anyone got hurt, but... I was too late. She- she'd been injured too badly." 

Merlin fingered the sheets in his hands and took deep breaths to try to calm himself. That had been so hard to tell, but at the same time, it felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest; making it easier to breathe- to live.

Arthur's eyes widened as he realized what he'd done. "I- I... I killed her." He said softly, probably more to himself than Merlin.

Merlin just looked at the ground. He wanted to say it was okay, but it wasn't. "You didn't know who she was, Arthur. You were defending yourself and your people." Merlin met Arthur's guilty eyes now, "I don't blame you."

They talked long into the night. There were lots of tears and some laughs, but they both felt happier. What happened had taken a toll on their friendship, but in the end, it made it stronger. It would take some time, but eventually, they would move past these events with a better understanding of each other and with a newly learned lesson. Some stories, no matter how personal, have to be told.

The end.