Unspoken Words

When her phone rang, Tarja was snapped out of her thoughts roughly. The whole day she had been sitting on the couch in her apartment, starring at a point somewhere on the wall. When she had woken up in the morning she had already known which date it was, and the memories of the events one year ago had weighed heavily on her. Exactly one year ago she had been kicked out of Nightwish, betrayed and abandoned by her friends. The thoughts about that last concert and the morning when she had read the letter were still painful and she kept asking herself what she had done wrong to be fired like that; because the mentioned accusations in the letter couldn't have been the only reason.
Almost thankful for the distraction Tarja now went to answer the phone. She didn't recognize the number at first but answered the call anyway. "Turunen?" For a moment the line was silent and she already wanted to hang up again, when a familiar voice started to talk. "Tarja? You... you have to come here... please..." Tarja frowned confused. "Emppu? Why are you calling me?", she then asked and sounded more rude than she had intended to. "Tarja please, you have to listen", Emppu pleaded; his voice was shaking and he sounded like he was having a terrible cold. Tarja still had no idea why he would call her. They hadn't been in contact for a year and she hadn't expected to talk to anyone from the band ever again. But Emppu sounded serious. "Are you okay?", she asked, a bit worried when a suppressed sob reached her ear. "Tarja... something happened...", he whispered and sobbed again. Tarja felt her heart beating faster and her worries increased. "What is it Emppu? Tell me!" Emppu remained silent for a moment and Tarja got even more nervous. Then he finally talked. "It's Tuomas. He..." Emppu paused again and Tarja wasn't sure if she even wanted to hear the rest of the sentence anymore. What if something serious had happened to Tuomas? She didn't even want to confess it to herself but the keyboarder still meant a lot to her and he was the one she had missed the most during the last year. She heard Emppu swallowing and taking a deep breath. "Tarja... we just found him... he killed himself."
Tarja's hand flew to her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. She could hear her heartbeat loudly and tears welled up in her eyes. "He what...!?", she whispered, unwilling to accept the news Emppu had just delivered to her. "Tarja, please come. We're all in his apartment." Tarja nodded slowly, while the tears ran over her face silently. "I'm on my way."

When she arrived at Tuomas' apartment, Tarja had managed to calm down a little bit. She took a deep breath before she rang the doorbell. Within a few seconds the door was opened by Marco who looked at her sadly. "Tarja... Thanks for coming." He seemed unsure how to welcome her after all that time but Tarja didn't hesitate long and hugged him shortly. This wasn't the moment to be angry at anyone; nothing that had happened between her and the other band members felt really important to her right now. "What happened?", she asked while letting go of Marco again. He looked at the ground and shrugged. "We have some speculations, but nothing specific. We wanted to check on him because he hadn't answered our calls... but he didn't open the door so we got a key from the neighbors. And then..." He seemed unable to continue but Tarja could imagine the rest. She bit her lip and took a few steps forward, slowly approaching the living room. She could hear people talking but didn't dare to enter at first since she had no idea what she would be confronted with inside. But then Marco, who had followed her, opened the door carefully and they both stepped into the room.
Emppu and Jukka, who had talked to each other quietly, fell silent as Tarja entered. They both mumbled a short greeting towards her, but she didn't even hear it. Her whole attention was paid to the third person in the middle of the room. Tuomas' motionless body lay on the ground, his eyes were closed and Tarja would have said he was sleeping, if she hadn't seen his blood covered wrist and the stained knife on the floor. Bursting into tears Tarja kneeled down next to him and took his lifeless hand into her own. "Tuomas...", she whispered desperately, unable to look away from his peaceful face and the wound on his arm. "Please wake up..." The childish words had come over her lips before she could hold them back; Tuomas wouldn't wake up and she knew that. Though she just couldn't accept it yet; the shock and the pain were too deep.
Tarja sat next to Tuomas for a while, crying silently and she had almost forgotten about the other guys, when Emppu started talking. "Tarja? We... we found something next to... Tuomas." Tarja looked up even though she wasn't really interested in Emppu's story. Whatever they had found wouldn't change the fact that Tuomas was dead and so she didn't care about it. But she didn't want to be rude and asked Emppu about it anyway. "What did you find?" Emppu crossed the room to Tuomas' desk and reached for an envelope which was laying on it. "It has your name on it, so I think he wanted you to read it.", he said and gave the envelope to Tarja. Painfully reminded of another letter she had received exactly one year ago, Tarja took the envelope from Emppu's hand. He had been right: Her name was written on it in Tuomas' handwriting. "Is this... a suicide letter...?", she asked, her voice was shaking and tears were still streaming down her face. Emppu shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you should just read it..." Tarja nodded slowly and opened the envelope carefully with her trembling hands. "We'll leave you alone with him for some time, okay?", Marco suggested and when Tarja nodded he left the room with the others.
Still crying, Tarja pulled the letter out of the envelope, unfolded it and started reading.