secrets.

i.

he walked in,

and i held my breath.

everybody fell in love with him instantly, i noticed.

it was his words, his eyes, his lips, his laugh.

i feel like i did too.

but what chance did i have?

my father stares at me, papers sprawled all over the table in an unorganized mess.
i am only half-awake when he shakes me and asks, "you all right?"

i give a tired smile. "fine. exhausted."

drained, weakened, unstable, empty.
no, i'm not necessarily fine. at least for today i can pretend.

i exhale a heavy breath, resting my head against my arms.

well, every other day too.

he looks at me, flashes a sad look, then rubs my shoulders. "feel better soon, kid."

"thanks."

he leaves and i let out a sigh, eyes flicking to the clock. 6:50 a.m.

normally i wouldn't dread so much about the first day of school, but today i will. i could describe myself as overly paranoid and irritating, but who could blame me? i haven't talked to any of my friends in weeks; my mind's been solely focused on college the whole summer.

i am allowed to be worried about me and them.

one minute passes.

i gather all the papers on my desk and start sorting through them, inserting them in their own categorized folders. i place them into my backpack and look down at my feet.

two minutes.

i sling my backpack over my shoulder, and wait for my mother to finally be ready to send me to school.

three minutes.

my mother finally walks out of her room and nods towards me, and we both get into the car as i hear her start the vehicle.

four minutes.

"are you excited?"
"not... really."

five minutes.

"what about seeing your friends?"
"i don't know. i don't have that many in general."

six.

"oh."

seven.

i lean against the cold car window, eyes flicking to the huge city that i have been living in for years. the tall buildings and lights all blend together, and i'm pretty used to them by now.

eight.

maybe i'll have a good time this year. who knows.
high school's been strange. riley and maya aren't in the same classes, and that itself is odd enough.
i didn't talk to them much over the summer. i hope they're doing well.

nine.

lucas, i also don't know much of. all i know is he visited texas and he didn't go on his phone a lot.
wow, i'm a terrible friend.

ten.

i don't even know if that's the correct term.

john adams high school.

here i'm not just a boy, i'm a nerdy little scientist genius who talked too much about belgium 1831 in his middle school years, the idealist who believes only the positive of every adventure because of experiences of his own, the jealous squeak who only tries to prove himself to his friends, and now, the kid who fell in love with his best friend.

but i can't admit that last one, not yet.