Knockout

Chapter 18

I've been bouncing back and forth between Marshall's apartment and my house. This time I'm at my own place, in my bed. I've been up for a few hours but I haven't moved. I'm supposed to have a movie night with Thatch and Ren here later but I can't even get up. I feel heavy, in the emotional way. I can't pinpoint why, this isn't really like me.
I stare at my ceiling, not thinking about anything just kind of zoning out. It feels good not to think, there's something very calming about it.
My moment of silence doesn't last very long. My phone buzzes lightly on my nightstand and I grab it to check who's calling, Marshall.

"Hey." I answer, yawning.

"I love you." He says, his voice shaking. "And I'm sorry about Dani, and fighting, and all of that. I'm sorry."

"Marshall."

He hasn't had one of these in a long time. I can't remember the last one, it was probably after the breakup, when I wasn't there for him. That must've been horrible for him, and my chest contracts at the thought.
We've been panic attack free for a while, but I know him. And he can't help it.

"I don't want you to leave me again." He blurts, and I know he's crying. "I'm freaking out, I can't breathe."

"Marshall."

"Rachel, I love you." He inhales deeply and let's out a shaking breath. "Listen to me, if you leave I can't-"

"Marshall!" I shout, silencing him on the other line. I can't listen to him like this any more, it hurts too much.

"What?" He asks quietly, his voice still choppy.

"Take a breath." I say and wait for him to comply. "What do you need?" I ask him, sitting up in my bed.

There's a long pause on his end and I hear him breathing. I know he's debating on whether or not to continue this conversation. This outcome goes one of two ways. Either he tells me the truth and accepts that he's vulnerable, or he shuts down and hangs up. I'm praying he makes the right decision, he can't go on feeling like this being on his own. I'm getting nervous waiting for his answer.

"You have plans today, I'm fine." His voice cracks as he speaks.

"You're more important." I say forcefully. "They'll understand."

"I shouldn't have called you." He says quickly. "I knew I would mess this up, I'm sorry Rachel I'll go-"

"Marshall, shut up!" I snap at him. "Stop acting like this is such a burden on me. I love you, I'll do whatever you need so you don't feel like this anymore. Now, do you need me to come over there or what?"

Another wave of silence hovers over us. It's a solid minute before I hear his voice.

"Come."

"I'll be right there baby." I reassure him, getting up and grabbing the keys, not even bothering to change out of my pajamas.

***

I barely knock once on the door before he opens it. He's just wearing those grey joggers. His eyes are bloodshot, he looks tired and I wonder if he slept at all last night. I step inside and close the door behind me. He stands there, waiting. Slowly and carefully I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him against my body. After a minute or two I feel his warm hands holding me too.

"Rachel." He whispers, his voice cracking.

"Come on." I offer, pulling him towards his room.

We walk inside and I make him get in the bed. I crawl in on the other side. I'm barely sitting on the mattress before he's pulling me against his body. Every part of me presses against him, immediately becoming warmer. I hold him for a little bit before speaking.