"I'm almost certain that life has no meaning, why is there so much pain and suffering, why are people constantly chasing impossible dreams of joy and perfection if it could only last as long as your life. You only get so many days, why strive for perfection when you can accept your imperfections and enjoy life." stated Dr. Stone, my therapist.
I agreed, pretending not to notice that he completely contradicted himself while trying to sound profound, and began to sit up from the red recliner he had in his office.
" What have you learned today?", he asked, as he does every time I have an appointment. I felt like answering truthfully; Absolutely nothing, except for the fact that you don't deserve your degree in psychology because you seemed to have acquired it from the back of a cereal box.
"I learned that I should accept myself and try to be happy." I answered, only so he would shut up.
"Good, see you next week." he said, looking proud.
He always talked about the "progress" we were making, and how I will be able to forgive my father "in no time". Listening to him almost made me hate my mother with a passion and aggression unlike that of my father for bringing me to him every Saturday.
I walked out of his office and into the lobby, where my mom greeted me with a wide smile from ear to ear. It was almost strange to see my mom smiling, it was like seeing a double rainbow or lightning striking the same spot twice. I knew she had good news, for herself that is. I asked her what was the matter and she answered with a long, peaceful sigh. I didn't understand what was happening, had she finally won the lottery after attempting it at least a thousand times? Had she found a boyfriend so she would stop dragging me around? We left the office and got into the car. I couldn't bear the suspense and I broke.
"What is it!" I yelled, making my mother jump and slam on the brake.
She responded with a loud, SLAM, right across my chest, in her attempt to keep me from flying out the windshield (although I had my seatbelt on).
"You idiot," she screamed," you could have gotten us killed!"
I asked her again as I tried to catch my breath after getting winded. She looked at me with a look I hadn't seen before, almost like she was truly...happy. She rubbed my cheek and then grabbed my chin.
"Muffin, things are going to change." she stated proudly.
We arrived at our home which, for a fifty year-old house, looked quite spectacular, and parked in the driveway. She grabbed the keys and began to open the door, but before she did, she looked back at me.
"Things are going to change." she repeated.
At this point I was more annoyed than exited, I gestured her to open the door and she did. She walked me to the kitchen where a book sat on the table. As I looked closer I realized what it was. The cover read; The Holy Bible: King James Edition.
This wasn't the first time she had done this to me, it happened last year when I was a sophomore in high school. She picked me up from school with a smile on her face and brought me to the car to show me receipt for an investment to a "vacuum company with new technology that would shock America" a.k.a. a Pyramid Scheme. Although we won some money from the court case, it was pretty sad how easily she fell. I'm not saying religion is a Pyramid Scheme...well actually I am, they have many similarities, like their ability to brain wash you out of giving up everything important in life.
I picked up the book and it almost scared me, as a closeted teen, religion gave me the chills. It was the one group of people that hated me for a choice I didn't make and told me I'd go to hell for a sin I didn't commit. It would make coming out to my mother that much harder. She looked at me excitedly, almost like she had found Jesus, oh wait.
"What is this?" I asked, although I knew exactly what it was.
"Jesus Will, Jesus will change our life." She answered as her eyes began to water,"Jesus will change us."
~
"I'm going to the restroom." I told my mom, as I shuffled my way out of the pews and through a long hall to the restroom.
I had been to church before when I was younger, but never really liked it. This time it had a sort of vibe to it that screamed; Get Out!
I reached the restroom and was astonished at how white it was. I washed my face and reached for a paper towel. I dried off my face, but when I opened my eyes there was a short boy in front of me. I almost fell , but was able to regain balance by holding on to the sink.
"Hey there!", he yelled directly in my face.
"Hi" I replied, trying not to be impolite.
"Are you new?" He asked and it became apparent he didn't know what an inside voice was," I haven't seen you before."
"Ya" I replied, "we're just checking it out" I hoped he wouldn't get his hopes up, because we were not staying for very long.
I said my goodbyes and got out of that restroom in a flash, I didn't want anyone to get used to me or my mom. I returned to the Chapel and everyone was talking and standing, thank goodness it was over. I walked to my mother and grabbed her hand so I could pull her out as quickly as possible. We walked out and got into the car, which was about 10,000 degrees inside, but I was still just happy to be out of that horrid building.
"Did you like it?" my mother asked me.
"I didn't dislike it." I told her, although that wasn't true.
I absolutely hated it, all those people staring at us, asking us our names with huge, fake smiles. I hated it, but my mother loved it. It all seemed like one big, cruel joke, not the church, my life.
~
I was laying down in bed watching T.V. and my mother walked in.
"Go to bed muffin, tomorrow's you first day back" she said.
I was happy school was starting, it meant I would have some distance from my mother. I always liked routine and school gave me that predictability.
" Ya, goodnight." I replied
She turned off the lights and walked out. I pulled out my journal.
August 15, 2015
Today wasn't really my day, I hope church doesn't become a habit. I know things are going to change, but I'm not sure if it's for the better.
-Will
Thanks for reading!
