Desire
Chapter One - Ana
I stand looking out of my apartment window out onto the downtown Seattle landscape. The rain starts to fall, covering the ground below in a grey hue turning the outside darker. Soft music plays in the background, providing something to combat silence of the Saturday evening.
Normally I wouldn't be in my apartment at this moment, instead I would be under the man who was previously the love of my life or we'd be doing something surreal.
Something, kinky.
But now, now I'm stuck hanging around a lonely apartment whilst Kate is off enjoying Barbados with her family, including Elliot. Yet another reminder of something I walked away from.
Moving to the stove I'm forced to push myself through yet another painful memory.
Food.
A subject that once was a playful debate on my defiance of dominance, now serves as normality with no fun in it at all. . A humble pot of baked beans was all I could manage. It would give me nutrients, it would be somewhat tasty and it would fill me up so I don't have to eat again anytime soon.
Now I'm the one that has...control.
The beans went down as quickly as they were cooked. My fingers dipping into the warm water in which a cup and other utensils laid to be washed, unwillingly bringing forth another painful memory which at the time if I remember correctly was pleasurable.
Stop thinking about him Ana!
Despite using all of the willpower that remained within my weary soul, I couldn't help but think back to the time I first washed with Christian. No one had ever taken a bath quite like that. I surely hadn't. I hadn't even considered the notion of bathing, not in the bath tub sense anyway. Too much of a painful reminder. Instead I opted for the shower after being brought home by Taylor.
Home...
I wasn't even sure where home was, or even felt like right now.
Finishing up with the reasonably small washing up, there was nothing left to do but turn in for the night. Thankfully there wasn't much to do before heading for my bedroom. The lights were already dim, the TV wasn't on and the radio was off at the flick of a switch.
Once more I'm plummeted into silence. I hate silence.
Leaving the living room and the dim lights behind me I turned on the lights in my bedroom, the brightness was almost too much, dimming the lights down to a something more comfortable, I was forced to fight yet another memory.
Here we go again.
~~~~~~~~
"Trust me?" he breathes.
I nod, wide-eyed, my heart bouncing off my ribs, my blood thundering through my body.
He reaches down, and from his pants pocket, he takes out his silver-gray tie...that silver-gray woven tie that leaves small impressions of its weave on my skin. He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard. He pulls on my binding, checking it's secure. I'm not going anywhere. I'm tied, literally, to my bed, and I'm so aroused.
~~~~~~~~
What am I meant to do? I can't stand here feeling sorry for myself, I have to move past this. I need to move past this. My bed is my bed, so what if he happened to make the most passionate love to me in it? It's not like he's going to do it again anytime soon.
No matter how much I want him to.
I'm showered and dressed for bed in no time flat. Stopping just before the bed I check my phone, secretly hoping and praying to find a message from him upon opening it.
Nothing.
He probably wouldn't even give it a second thought not send me a message. I know I wouldn't if I was in his shoes. I'm slightly disappointed he hasn't even tried to contact me, okay I'm the one that walked out on him, but it made it feel all the more real that this is happening. I'm truly not what he wants.
The lights are down low, practically almost off, and the only thing preventing my night from being utterly silent is the sound of the constant rain outside. I have no tears left to shed, the rain is crying for me. Today has been the day I hoped that would never happen, the day deep down I always feared knew would happen. It was time to start forgetting. It was time to start a new life, just like he once wanted me to
My bed would usually be warm right now, warm from the aftermath of a quick and passionate love-making.
Christian was always so warm.
Instead, the bed is cold. I realise now that I've left behind the only warmth I've ever known, I'm no longer Icarus flying into the sun but instead I'm wrapped in the coldness of my solidarity.
As I close my eyes, I can hear him saying to me so clearly... "Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I'm not the man for you."
The truth of his words hit me like a freight train. Except, he was the man for me. I'm the one who's not for him. I'll always be the 'almost submissive'. I'm not the girl for him.
Squeezing my eyes shut I try to force back the tears that have somehow fought their way out of my eyes, despite the lack of energy I have to shed them.
"Goodbye, Mr Grey." I whisper against my pillow, pressing my face into its cold surface.
Sleep soon takes me under, the peaceful darkness for the first time has become my friend, my comforter. There are no dreams to greet me tonight.
Not even dream Christian Grey.
