Desire
Chapter Two - Christian
She's gone...she's actually, gone.
Nothing could have prepared me for this, no matter how many times this moment had played out through my mind, I still wouldn't have been prepared. Not by a long shot. It was always me who had left any woman...submissive, that I had 'been with' if you could even call that being 'with' someone. The shoe was on the other foot this time, this time I was the one being left behind. I don't like it, I don't like this feeling, this feeling...hurt. Such a strong emotion. It's been quite a number of years since I had interacted so closely with this emotion, not since the whole pimp, crack-whore incident...mother.
I didn't plan on having my Saturday pan out this way. Ana leaving me was not part of my plan. I had so many plans for us this weekend, so much that I wanted to show her, so much of my world that I wanted to open her up to. Shattered. All these feelings these foreign, alien feelings...I don't do this, this isn't me. Ana had become a part of me, now that part of me had been ripped out of my chest, I've lost a part of who I had become. She changed me.
Impossible.
No one can change me, no one can change the monster that has always lurked deep down within the dark, twisted soul I've carried around since such tender years. This was me, I WAS the monster that Ana saw with those beautiful...sad...beautifully sad baby blues in my playroom not one full day ago. Who I saw reflecting in her radiant eyes was who I've only ever known myself to be, at least that's what I've been forcing myself to believe, scared to change. Scared? I shake my head, another strong and unnecessary emotion, I don't get scared. No.
My mind played through the last few precious moments with the woman, who had quite rightly become, the love of my life. Something prior to her coming along, I would surely never have been capable of doing, or even perhaps thinking about doing. I still don't think I'm worthy or capable of giving or receiving love, look how things ended on my first REAL try. Oh Ana... A cold shower, that's what I really need right now.
The shower's ice cold water is a welcome distraction from the unbearable thoughts that raided my mind. Too many thoughts. I can't help but wonder what she's thinking about right now, what she must be doing. Is she hurt? Is she fine? Its killing me both physically and mentally not knowing...I don't do not knowing. It's taking all my willpower not to pick up my phone. I want to text her. I want to call her and just hear that sweet, resounding voice.
Stop thinking about her, Grey!
After all was done getting feeling as refreshed as possible right now, I'd chosen to do what always helped during straining situations, run. This is what I was familiar with, this is what I knew. The pounding of my feet against the freshly rained-on pavement, provided a rhythm that was organised, constant. Nothing could break the flow of my run.
Nothing but...her.
My feet usually knew where they were going when out on a jog or run, but today along with my head, they were equally as lost and confused as each other. I always ran a designated route, that way I didn't end up veering off the familiar path. In a way, running the same route each morning provided that much needed routine and order that I craved in order to function. Or at least, maybe, that's how I used to function.
Coming up to a set of zebra crossings I had no choice but to stop. It didn't do my sense of rhythm any good, stopping slowed down the beat of my heart, I needed to keep going. Whilst waiting for the traffic to stop in order for the lights to change, I could see where I had stopped.
