Living When You're Already Dead

Prologue

For a long time now, I haven't been okay. I've been dealing with cancer off and on for years, but this time will be the last; because now I'm dying and there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

I'm a freshman in college, and my boyfriend lives 4 hours away. He knows that I'm sick, but he has no idea how bad I've gotten since I left. I know I need to tell him, but he's already so depressed all the time and I don't want to make it worse. I love him more than anything and I want to marry him. We're already engaged but he doesn't want to be public about it yet. I want the world to know, but I don't want to hurt him so I'm respecting his wishes. The longer I keep it a secret though, the more I worry that I am going to fuck everything up. The reason he wants to keep it secret, I think, is because he doesn't want people to know in case I change my mind. But I never will, because I love him more than anything in the universe.

I'm not sure that going to college was the best idea exactly; I hate it here and it hurts to be so far away from the only people who care. But somehow, I'm managing. I haven't hurt myself or attempted to kill myself, no matter how badly I want to. I have two friends on campus, but I'm alone in my room 99% of the time. I cry myself to sleep every night, and have horrible flashback nightmares every night. What are they of? A man. Raping me, hurting me, choking me, screaming at me to shut up. I wake up having panic attacks, and have random panic attacks throughout the day. I want to kill myself, but I don't because I know that only means my boyfriend would kill himself too, even though it is destroying me. I am alone and I am dying. My name is Noelle, and this is my story.