Living When You're Already Dead

Chapter 1

I woke up at 8:30 for class, only to fall to the ground in pain. Now, the logical thing to do would be to skip class and go to the emergency room nearby, but I am not a logical person and I have an essay to turn in. So I pick myself up off the ground and start getting ready. I walk to the bathroom and get into the shower, hoping the warm water will do something to alleviate the pain a little. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect and every inch of my body starts hurting, my lungs start contracting, and my stomach ties itself in knots. I know I shouldn't have stopped the chemo, but I wanted to protect my unborn child.

Before I left for college, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to give birth, have that child live an amazing life, and grow up with two loving parents. At that time I had been improving significantly, so I decided to stop taking my daily dose of poison. Once I was at college though, I began getting a lot worse. After a conversation with my boyfriend, I decided I needed to restart chemo and ended up having a miscarriage. But that decision was too late, I had already signed my name on death's list by stopping treatment. During the time I wasn't taking the pills, the cancer spread. It spread to my lungs and to my bones. It's only a matter of time now before I die, but if somehow a miracle happens and I survive this shit I will go out and buy myself a wedding dress. Even if I don't get married for years, it will be a reminder to me that I survived and have a whole future ahead of me.

I got out of the shower and got dressed before heading back to my room to eat some oatmeal before grabbing my backpack and rushing off to my first class. I just barely made it through my classes before I headed back to my dorm to sleep some more. I feel pretty much okay compared to how I usually feel, but I am exhausted and can't stop coughing. I know it could be worse, and it has been before, but I still feel utterly miserable, so I went back to my room and went to sleep.

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I woke up five hours later feeling worse than ever before. My body was weak, my head had pain shooting through it, and my lungs couldn't get enough oxygen in them. I know at this point I need to go to the hospital, but I have no way to get there and don't want to go alone. Instead, I text my boyfriend and tell him what is going on in case something happens to me, so at least he will have known something was wrong.

Me: Liebling, I'm getting worse... I need you.

Ryan: I'm so sorry baby. . . I'm here

Me: Can you come out here and stay with me...?

Ryan: I will as soon as I can.

Me: Okay... I love you

Ryan: I love you too baby. I will come out soon I promise.

Please tell me if it gets worse.

Me: I will... Thank you...

I know that I need to tell him everything, and that I should have when I first found out, but I want to tell him in person. I know we will need each other once he hears how bad it is. The hardest part to figure out is how do I tell the love of my life that I am dying?