I wrote this as a way to get some of my thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on paper. Describes a cycle that I go through very often where I starve myself for days, binge, and then starve myself for days again as a punishment, which leads to another binge, and so on. Hope you guys enjoy.
How do I feel? I feel dizzy, extremely dizzy. My stomach feels like it is eating my body alive to help it survive. I haven’t eaten in days, only a few drinks of water and multi-vitamin supplements. I can’t go on like this, I need food. Please let me have at least a couple slices of toast.
Going against my better judgment, I decide to allow myself to eat. Where is the quickest place to get food? Slow down fat ass, make yourself deserve the food. I walk towards the cafeteria. Not too fast, don’t want people to think that I’m hungry. Not too slow, I need food. I show up to the cafeteria.
Damn, there is a line. What should I eat? I’m on the line for pizza. That sounds all right; I’ll just take one slice like everyone else. It’s my turn now; I take two, even though I know I don’t deserve a second.
What else to get? There are so many choices; I want to sample every dish. I’ll take a dish of vegetable fried rice, a bowl of cereal, some French fries with a grilled cheese sandwich. What is there to drink? Should I get diet soda or get water? I’ve had three bottles of water already, so I’m allowed to get diet soda.
Where to sit? I’m not with any friends, thankfully, so I’ll sit at the bar behind the brick columns. Not many can see me from there. I feel weak carrying the tray with all this food on it.
What to eat first? I took too much food. Maybe I should return some, can I do that? Probably not, but I don’t want this food to go to waste. I’ll just try a little bit of everything. Pizza first though. What happened to the slices I got? I ate them so quickly; I didn’t get to enjoy them. Maybe I should get another slice, take a bite, and spit it out, just so I can savour the taste of pizza.
Later, now it is time to eat the vegetable fried rice, and to eat the bowl of cereal, and eat the French fries with the grilled cheese sandwich. Did I really use this many plates for the food? I’ll stack them all up; makes the tray look emptier.
Where are the desserts? I need closure to my meal. The baker just brought out a brand new cake with pink icing and green laces. I take a slice and sit back at my seat at the bar behind the brick column. Every bite is so rich, but my throat hurts, it doesn’t want to take anymore. I must finish this slice of cake; I cannot let it go to waste. I must scoop up the icing on the plate; I cannot let the icing go to waste either.
Am I full? I can’t tell anymore. I get my book bag and coat and pick up my tray. I can barely walk because of all the food in me. I put the tray on the conveyor belt to be washed. Then I go back to the start of the line, and get a new tray. I’m not done yet. Shall I get a small portion, like just a plain bagel? It doesn’t even matter any more. I know what this is now. This is a binge. I’m going to get as much as I can take.
Two more slices of pizza, definitely. Give me extra scoops of everything, I don’t ****ing care any more. Make me fat, make me disgusting. Nothing can make me look any uglier than I already feel inside. Is my seat still open? Someone else took it. It doesn’t matter; I see a new set of faces anyway. I’m the only one left from the earlier crowd. If I eat quickly, I can be out of here in no time. But I don’t want to seem like a slob.
Take it easy, eat moderately. Just look down at your tray and assume no one is looking. Should I get another tray or go back to the dorm? I can barely keep the food in my stomach. Perfect, that means it is time to go back to the dorm.
Once again, I pick get my book bag and coat and pick up my tray and place the tray on the conveyor belt to be washed. I can barely move, but I force myself. I force myself to walk upright, though I want to clench my stomach. I keep a stern look on my face, though I want to cry. Where are my keys? I search my pockets for my keys. I hate having to touch my legs and my hips; I’m so ****ing fat. A neighbour walks by with a friendly greeting. I thank her for her being amiable with a wave back, but I wish she hadn’t come by. I wish she hadn’t seen me like this. Are any of my roommates here? ****, one is. He’s on the phone though, I’ll just take a shower; he won’t hear a thing. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? It is me; I’ll just keep the water setting at a cool temperature. The cold water feels so refreshing on my back for a quick moment, but then the pain in my stomach returns. I kneel down on all fours like an animal, and stare down at the drain. Without even thinking I jam my finger down my throat.
****, was I asleep? I must have passed out in the shower. Oh ****, did anyone notice this? My gut feels like it was just kicked. I get up, turn off the water, and put a towel around me. I peer outside the shower to make sure none of my roommates noticed. Good, the one on the phone must have left a while ago. I’m safe. I walk back to my bed and lie down, clenching my stomach. I will not do this again. I will not eat. I’ll fast for the next couple of days until all that poison is out of me
