Portalᶟ

Dan and Wot were trekking through Hyde Park. Well, I say trekking, I more mean Wot was trekking whilst Dan trailed behind and wheezed a lot.

Wot stopped to point out some geeky and overtly intelligent twaddle about some algae on some pond, giving Dan a chance to catch up.

“Wot!” he called, getting closer. “I’m tired.”

“We’ve been walking for about five minutes,” pointed out Wot.

“I know, I’m still tired, aren’t I?” replied Dan petulantly. Wot conceded that indeed, Dan did look tired.

“Well, I’m going to stop here, and sit down for a while,” said Dan, plonking himself on the grass which moved aside very quickly and plunged him into the dark, metallic depths below London. No, not the East End, that’s to the side of London.

Wot crouched down beside the hole and called out, “Dan? Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay!” shouted Dan. “I just fell thirty feet onto solid metal!”

Wot flinched. “Ooh, painful. Okay, I’m coming down now.”

“Wait, no, let me get out of the-“

Dan and Wot stepped through the abandoned labs, taking in the aperture logos on the walls and random scientific experiments left in rooms.

“I didn’t know Aperture Science existed,” said Dan happily. “One of the only perfect games is even true!”

Wot rolled his eyes and peered through a window into a scarily well-maintained, whitewashed chamber with a bright red laser scything through it.

“Are you sure this place is entirely safe?” he said.

“No!” said Dan proudly, “That’s what made the whole… thing… amazing.”

“Good grief,” came a female voice from the speakers implanted into the ceiling, “I ordered smart test subjects, not a geek and some kind of monkey. Oh well, you’re here now and the next order doesn’t go out ‘til Monday.”

Dan looked at Wot and mouthed you’re a monkey apparently while mugging furiously.

“Tell me,” said the voice, as the camera turned to Wot, “Does your compatriot understand the English language?”

Dan grinned and said, “Only the bits about geeky Marvel comics and stuff.”

The voice went on, terrifyingly patient, “The one lacking in a hat or beard: Does he have an IQ of more than, say, fifty?”

Dan put on a smug grin and said, “Yep, but Wot hasn’t.”

“Well, we may as well begin,” the voice sighed, and the floor dropped out from beneath the two explorers… Well, not so much explorers as stumble-acrossers.

“Stop moaning,” GLaDOS opined, “It was only a seventy-foot drop into dirty water.”

Dan shook his limited-edition fourth Doctor Companion model Sonic Screwdriver replica, trying to dry it out on his sleeve.

“That’s my limited-edition fourth Doctor Companion model Sonic Screwdriver replica!” he whined.

Wot said, “It’s just a toy, Dan…” and was cut off by Dan’s “NO, IT’S A LIMITED-EDITION FOURTH DOCTOR COMPANION MODEL SONIC SCREWDRIVER REPLICA! GOD, GET IT RIGHT!”

GLaDOS surveyed him with interest. He seemed really quite interested in the broken hunk of metal, more so than when it was still working.

“Why did you bring your limited edition fourth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver replica if…”