Unhappily Married ✓

21. Love Guru

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."—Robert Frost

My eyelids flutter for a few seconds before adjusting to the warm glow of the bedside lamp. I don't know how I fell asleep and the last I remember is that I was crying because I had no idea what else to do. Crying doesn't solve your problems, but it sure does provide some inner comfort.

I sit up straight, resting my head against the headboard. Fate plays cruel tricks and you can't always fight back.

It's difficult to believe Todd said I love you to me. Did he really mean it or is it something else that I can't put my finger on? And then he kissed me as if he was never going to see me again. What was all that about?

I know I've been evasive about this whole thing, but what else can I possibly do? We had already made up our minds, but now everything has become so jumbled up that I have troubles thinking straight. None of this was ever supposed to happen, anyway.

But this is life...and you can't expect anything.

After a few minutes, I hear a knock on the door.

Todd.

Immediately, I straighten up my back and fix some buttons on my shirt.

I run a hand through my hair and sigh, "It is open!"

The door swings open and Todd steps inside, his eyes glued to me. His hair is sticking up in all places and I mentally scold myself for finding that attractive.

Honestly, I'm not ready to talk to him right now.

I feel the mattress shift as he sits down beside me. "So..."

I swallow hard.

"Look, Stella," he says, rubbing his hands together, "I-I just wanted to say that...I'm very sorry for what I said earlier. I don't know what happened to me all of a sudden and—"

I cut him off.

"I get it, Todd."

He raises his eyebrows at me. "You do?"

I nod. 

"Yes, I do. And I know why you said what you said," I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, "it's something called 'the pre-divorce effects'. I read about it on the internet a few days ago."

I'm feeling like such a barefaced liar right now, but I have to do this because I've no other option. It's so unbelievable how I'm getting good at making up stories lately.

He breathes out, "Oh, well, that's relieving."

He's lying through his teeth because his smile doesn't even last two seconds. We're both deceiving ourselves that we don't truly love each other, but we do and the only reason why we're putting on this act is because we're both cowards. Well, I don't think I can be absolutely certain about Todd's feelings, but I'm certain about mine.

Yes, I love Todd, but we can't get back together because there are a few things I can't ignore, even if I want to. It is only today that the scales have fallen from my eyes and I've realized the truth.

I'm scared.

I'm scared because we can never stop arguing and just the thought of fighting with Todd almost every single day of my life petrifies me. Everyone wants to live in peace and so do I. Todd and I've always been in love with each other, but clearly, love didn't help us out to keep our marriage happy.