Four Short Years.

The following days

After that major incident the days seemed to drag on. They lasted forever. I told nobody because I couldn't seem to get the words out. Everything was so hard to do theses days. I seemed to shower at least three times a day trying to scrub the memories away. I would scrub until my skin was raw and it started to hurt. Then eight hours later I was scrubbing myself again. I couldn't sleep. This was the time in my life when I really learned how to put makeup on properly. To cover the bags under my eyes. To cover the bruises on my skin, all around my arms and around my mouth. My body ached. Everything hurt but yet everything was numb at the same time. I felt all of my muscles burn with touch but when I was just standing there I could feel nothing. I cried only God knows how many endless hours. It felt like days of crying trying to gather my thoughts together to tell someone about it so they could help me. I trusted nobody though. My parents didn't notice how dead I was. My friends knew something was wrong but what could they do for me. So I told them it was a breakup, I told them nothing was wrong, I told them my parents were fighting each other a lot more lately. I told them anything I could so I didn't have to relive what I already was at home by myself. I stopped eating because I didn't have enough strength to lift my arms. Yet when it came to feeling something I could tear a shaving razor apart to get to the blades. I had enough strength to run the blades over my arms, legs, stomach anywhere I wanted to really just to feel an ounce of something. Anything I had ever felt up to that point in my life was all lies. I liked the pain. I loved watching the blood drop from my body. It was almost a magical experience to watch just because I didn't have to deal with the horrible thoughts of my attacker for a second. When the pain stopped, when I had to clean up my bloody mess, the thoughts came rushing back again. And so it became a routine to hurt myself in anyway I could to lose those thoughts again and again and again. Anything that would take the real pain away from my mind.