Love Yourself... Please? || Muke

one

trigger warning: themes of self harm, mentions of eating disorders

-luke pov-

i was worried about michael. i meant all those things i said about checking his wrists and that he's eating. i couldn't lose michael. little did he know, he was the thing that kept me alive.

unbeknownst to michael, i have a cutting problem. we were already friends when it started. i don't know how to bring it up. what do you do, just say 'oh yeah, i also cut myself?' he'd be mad. he'd ask why i never told him. i couldn't do that.

i guess it jut never came up in conversation. and now we've known each other for 5 years. i don't even know what he'd think if i mentioned it now. but he'd probably be hurt. hurt that i didn't tell him when he told me.

but in that moment, i wanted all of the attention to be on michael. he was feeling vulnerable and worthless. i didn't want to make him feel like he was just another cutter. god forbid anyone think that.

but it doesn't matter. i know all the ways cutting could kill you, and i'm not dumb. i want to stay alive- mainly for mikey- but i also need something to keep me sane. if i didn't cut, i'd probably be dead. i don't know how i could handle all the pain. i probably would've killed myself.

but like i said, i'm not dumb. i know not to cut too deep. i just make a lot of them. only one or two ever bleed, and only about five are visible the next day. i'm kind of glad. no one knows how much i actually do it- hell, no one knows i do it at all! but it works for me. and i don't think i could ever stop.

the thing is, i don't mind when i do it to myself, but imagining michael doing it just breaks my heart. i don't want him to end up like me. depressed, and addicted to cutting. he's too sweet for that. i couldn't imagine my beautiful little kitten cutting himself as much as i do.

the question then is, why do i still do it? i know almost for sure that that's what mikey would feel towards me. but i guess i just don't care about myself enough to worry and want me to stop.

a/n
my brain is a dark and twisted place

sorry but this is going to be a really depressing book.

ily all
michael<3