Going Nowhere Train

Words I have to say

I need to say this now. There are moments in your life that you look back on, and for once, you don't regret anything. You just know that what you did then was the right thing, and you know that in your heart everything that followed was so central, that everything comes down to that decision. That was how I feel now, looking back at the times when I could run free with my friends, and we had the world to control. There was no one else on that street; we had power. It was like being reborn in a world where you could touch and feel everything again with youth in your fingertips.
The three people who would become my life were running next to me, and I could feel my legs buzzing with energy. That much, I remember. I also remember it was sunny. It must have been. You can't be that happy with clouds hanging over you.

That hour, when we ran and ran and puffed, out of breath, and laughed, must have been some of the happiest I had throughout everything. Being free, to gather food and live by your own rules and know that you already have the upper hand makes your head spin. When you're used to being home by 6, sitting exams and fretting over homework, having to fight to survive is... Liberating.

These are words I have to say now, because looking back, everything else is about learning from all of your mistakes.
All of them.
There are many mistakes to come, made by people around me, and of course myself. We had to learn about survival the hard way; alone, without adults, and in a place where mistakes could take lives quickly. So quickly that you could barely properly take time to mourn the last death. Tears became more than arguments with your parents and loneliness. Tears became a sign of respect. Tears were you weeping for the people you desperately wanted back, but also knowing that at some point you would have to walk away.

But with mistakes, there was something else. Millions of children had to live alone, with food running low and fear sweeping through you like a slap in the face every time a noise woke you. And we survived. We broke through the pain and we made a life that we could have spent weeping because of something special to all of us. There were moments when you remembered why you hadn't given up that first day in the train. Moments where you stared at sunsets from dewy hills and thought about life. Moments where you played the piano and a hundred strangers clapped and whistled because the alternative was watching their own lives fall away without love. And moments where you found love in amongst the starvation and trauma.

So that is what is to come. But now, back to Princes street, and the million fresh opportunities facing us.