Mary-Jane
Today is a sad day for me, and for all the people that cared about my mother. Today is the anniversary of her death. It's been four years without her, and everyday hurts even more.
She died of lung cancer, I remember her smoking every single day. I have vague memories in my mind, of Harry and I telling her to stop, or to at least try to smoke less quantity. I know it was difficult to her in that moment.
My mom was always stressed because of her work, because of a lot of things, actually. But of course, she wouldn't talk it out with her daughter whose age was twelve. And I also, wouldn't understand.
Harry is – was – her husband. He's practically my father, the only man figure I've ever had in my entire life. I'm glad he came into mine and my mother's lives when we needed somebody. It surprised me how young he was, and it still does.
When him and my mom started dating he was twenty-one and she was twenty-nine, I was twelve. Now, he's twenty-six and I'm seventeen. My mom should be thirty-five. They married one year after dating, and one year after that my mom died; I was fourteen.
It destroyed him, and obviously me. I felt completely alone, but I had Harry. It killed me seeing him like that. Blaming himself on something he didn't had the blame. Why would he ever think that?
After her death, everything changed.
It was only me and him. But, once she was gone, it didn't felt like he was my father, yet I called him like that. Of course, I still do.
Him being so young made me think about him in another way. A way I'm not proud I thought of him. A way that still haunts me.
I've been always attracted to him, attracted to his looks, attracted to his hot british accent, attracted to his body.
But lately, this attraction has intensified.
Every little thing he does, founds a way into my head to think of it in a seductive way.
When he licks his lips before speaking. When he uses skinny black jeans, with a white t-shirt. When he wakes up shirtless, and all the tattoos in his chest and arms are seen. When he sings in the shower and he thinks I don't listen. When he stares deeply into my eyes, as he talks with that sexy voice of his.
Too bad he's my stepdad...
"Mary-Jane! Are you ready for school?" He yells from the kitchen.
"Yes!" I yell back.
After putting my uniform on, doing my hair and grabbing the things I need for today, I leave my room and go downstairs.
"Are you taking me, daddy?"
I hope the fact that I still call him like that, and that lately I'm wearing my skirt a little bit shorter than usual, makes him think about me in another way.
"Yes, love, let's go."
I pass by him and I wish his eyes go up and down my body.
"Isn't your skirt a little bit short?" He asks and I mentally congratulate myself.
"I don't know, is it?" I ask, "maybe you're right." I pull down my skirt, but is still short.
"I don't want the boys from your school be all over you. You know how I get about dates," he begins another time.
He always tells me how I'm not going to date until I'm thirty. How I'm still his baby girl. How he doesn't want any boy to break my heart.
But I don't think Cameron is ever going to break my heart, yet I don't have any chance to be with him.
Cameron has been my crush since I'm twelve, but we only spoke two times. Once he asked me for a pencil, and the other he asked what date was that day.
"Are you listening to me?" Harry speaks making me come back to reality.
"Yes," I answer, and I realize I've just arrived to school. "Thank you for the ride."
He smiles, "I love you, good luck at school today."
"I love you too, dad." I kiss his cheek and get down of the car.
Considering today is an awful day for the two of us, I tell myself today I don't have to get him mad.
I need to plan something to make him extremmely happy today. I'm going to study and make him his favourite food for dinner.
He's going to notice this change, since I don't tend to study nor to cook. But I'm doing this for him, because I love him.
"Hey, Mary-Jane, right?" I hear someone behind me says.
I turn around and see Cameron. My heart stopped for a second, "yes?"
What could he possibly need from me?
"I heard about your mom, and what day is today... I'm sorry. I know you don't need to listen to this, but I really am. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always call me."
"I don't have your number, though." I say.
"Here," he hands me his phone and I hand him mine. After we exchange phone numbers, I speak again.
"Thank you Cameron. I thought nobody really cared..."
"I do. I understand what it's like loosing someone you love," he sighs. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"
"Yeah, sure." I smile.
What the hell just happened?
I can't believe it.
The person who I have the biggest crush on, just talked to me and also, gave me his number.
I'm never going to call him, though. I wish I could, but there is something inside of me that acknowledges the fact that I'm never going to be brave enough.
Or maybe is it... Harry?
To think about keep crushing on Cameron, makes me think about Harry being mad at me.
In a life of a teenager, there is always the boys issue; the jealous dad doesn't want her daughter to date.
But with Harry it is different. I don't feel like he's jealous because I'm his daughter, because I'm not. He basically raised me, and in a way he is my father. But he's not.
I feel like he's jealous because it's me who will be dating someone or not. Harry's not a jealous person, I know it because he wasn't jealous of the men who were into my mom.
Yet, he was always jealous when I talked about boys back in my young age.
It always surprised me how big effect I have on him. Why? I still ask myself. He knows he's the only man in my life. He's the person I love the most.
So, when a normal teenager gets angry with her dad because he doesn't allow her to date, she genuinely lies to him, and she doesn't consider the possible consequences.
I'm not capable of lying to Harry. I couldn't. Besides of that, it wouldn't feel right dating someone. That's the problem.
If I ever date a boy, with or without the permission of my dad, it wouldn't feel like the right thing. I wouldn't be happy because he wouldn't be happy.
But, what can I do to change that? Perhaps, try to have a normal date? Think about boys other than my stepdad?
Even if I try to think what I want and what I need, Harry always pops into my mind. Everytime he founds a way to be in my thoughts.
And it's scaring me.
I shouldn't be thinking about him this way. I shouldn't stare at him the way I do. I shouldn't want him to be inside of me the way I want him to be. I shouldn't want to bite his lip, when he does it.
I shouldn't want to kiss him so bad. I shouldn't want to pull his long hair, as he's between my thighs, and moan his name, the way I do. I shouldn't want him to sing to me as we shower together. I shouldn't want to hold his hand everytime we're together.
But I do.
