Tainted

2.

Hi, honey. Its been a few days since we talked-you were supposed to call me after your doctors appointment, or did you forget? Call me back soon. Love you.

I press delete on my phone and rub my temples. Honestly, my mother is the last person I want to see right now. Well, I don't want to see anyone right now. But she's still on the no-seeing list. I'm surprised at that thought, and then I realize it's because I won't be able to handle the onslaught of her emotions when I am already dealing with my own.

Can't I just pass quietly with no one knowing?

I shake my head as my eyes pool up with salt water at the thought. My throat begins to tighten up, constricting my breathing. Don't cry. You had the last 4 days to cry and get it out of your system. No more crying.

I scroll through my contacts in my phone once I regain composure and stop at my best friends name, Bryan, and I hover over his name. Honestly, if there was anyone I'd want to tell, it would be him. And it might seem strange, picking a friend over family, but Bryan and I have always been close, closer than any one of my family members and I.

The call rings a few times before I'm greeted with a somewhat distracted Bryan, voice laced with sleep, "Hello?"

"Bryan, its me." Because he should know who me is.

I hear rustling at the end of his line and the phone line is muffled as he speaks to someone else. Seconds later, he comes back.

"Dom! Where you been bro?"

"I've been hiding out. Are you busy? Want me to call back later?" I ask, because I hear more than one female giggling. I shake my head.

"No, Dom, you're fine. Things just got a little too wild last night," he starts to tell me.

"Okay, Bryan. I don't want to hear about your sexual escapades, but thanks," I grimace, and pause when he laughs, "I need to talk to you about something man, and its kind of important."

His laughing fades and he is all business. "What is it? Want to meet up?"

"I don't really feel like leaving my house," I admit as I trace the edge of the coffee table, "Just listen."

I watch my finger trace the wood patterns in the table and I let the act soothe me.

"Okay."

"So I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago-which is really fuckin' weird because I never go-but I was pressured by family and I was like fine I'll go. I had tests done, and four days ago I went back to discuss the results of those tests and it turns out, I have cancer," I blurt out, deciding to give it to him all at once.

My heart races as silence falls over us. I don't hear anything on the other side of the line for a while, and I have to check the screen of my smartphone to make sure he was still there.

"Well I mean, there's chemo and stuff for it right?" Bryan's voice has an edge to it, and I rub my temples, "You're going to be okay though, right?"

"No, I don't think so," I begin, "I already talked to the doctor. After multiple tests, it's just there, Bryan. And it's going to spread. I'm not going to be okay."

"Fuck, Dom. I'm coming over-"

Immediately I shake my head and interrupt, "Don't come over, I don't feel-"

"FUCK. I've got bitches in my bed, Dom, and I'm still naked from a one night stand. This is not how I want to talk to you about this. Just let me come over."

He hangs up before I can say anything.

******

I left the door unlocked for Bryan, so when he gets to my place he comes in without knocking. I'm still in my living room, in the same exact spot I was in during the phone call. I nod at him as he comes over to sit on the love seat with me.

Bryan struggles with what to say. I can tell by the way his brows furrow and unfurrow, and how he constantly let's out air built up in his lungs before inhaling again. I wonder if I should break the silence first, but I decide to stay quiet; I can see the millions of thoughts running through his mind by his eyes.

"This can't be right. Are you sure about this? Do you think you should see another doctor?" Bryan takes his hand and shoves it through his sandy hair, rustling it around roughly.

"No, man...its not the doctor," I say, and I do my best to keep the frustration from leaking out of my voice, "Trust me, Bryan. I already went over everything you are probably going to ask me."

"But you have been healthy all your life. It doesn't seem right. I can't fucking believe it."

"Its like a freak thing. And its even freakier because I feel fine. No pain, no fatigue, no nothing. You know how you go to the doctors because you think some things wrong with you? I just go for a checkup and routine blood work and suddenly I'm dying."

"I can't fucking believe it," he repeats, "I'm losing my best friend? Really? To fucking cancer?"

I don't say anything.

"Well what about your family? What did they say?"

I grimace and shake my head, "I didn't tell them yet. And I decided I'm not going to."

"No, Dom. You have to tell them. Do you think its some heroic deed you're doing by not telling them?"

"Bryan, you don't get it. Why worry them when I can just spend my last few months happily with them? I want to go out peacefully and I want them to have this good image of me. I don't want them to worry and be sad. Just let me do this."

Bryan mutters an agreement before continuing, "You know what this means, right?" and once I say no says, "We are going to party it up every night. Clubs, drinking, women, sex."

"No way."

"Yes way. Starting tonight. You're going to go out with a bang."