Someone I Don't Love

In front of Me

People fall in love all the time, of course that was the reality of the world. Most times nothing went without a little bit of fluttering romance, even most horror or action films included the element of love when it very much didn't need so. That was one thing that annoyed Kim Namjoo.

Ok, sure, human beings were emotional. It made sense that that feeling we all call love be the center of what we revolve around, but it didn't have to be for everything. Sometimes romance was so overwhelming in everyday life that Namjoo felt the urge to puke. It made her uncomfortable...in so many ways she couldn't quite explain.

Since her college years she had been surrounded by her siblings and their significant others. The one benefit she got from it was food. Now they were all married and she was finally free from her parents' grasps.

Namjoo had long wanted to be alone, promising that she would keep up with doctor appointments and taking her medicine. She even brought her meter around with her everywhere in case she needed to prick her finger to test her sugar level. Namjoo tried making it into a habit but wasn't quite there yet. Surely one day she would get there, she was certain of it.

She had grown from a tiny sickly, thin girl and worked hard to put some weight on. No longer would there be days she was shamed for her tiny weight or how pale she was. Sometimes she became petty over how she wasn't that 99% that struggled to lose weight instead of gaining – no one understood the difficult of gaining weight. And no one still understood. Namjoo had always been most determined to shed off those remarks, some of which she still received when she went someone with her parents and met old relatives, for old geezers never knew how to shut their traps.

The second worst thing next to that was she was still single and hounded by the girls about when she would introduce to them her boyfriend. In her future she couldn't see herself being married or being a mother at that. A friend studying to become a doctor had told her it was too dangerous for a diabetic woman to get pregnant nonetheless give birth.

Namjoo shivered at that thought, giving birth. She couldn't imagine the painful process. She too, felt no desire to have children. She could only stand her noisy niece and nephews for a few hours before feeling like she was on the verge of going crazy with a knife. Why would she want to torture herself by having a child? Alongside that, why would she want a husband who wanted children? Men were annoying up to a par and she could only understand them so much. Games, beer, and what else did they do besides that?

Not like any man had come after her...ever. In comparison to her sisters they had flocked toward those females instead. Namjoo would admit there were years when she wanted someone to come after her, where she'd hoped for some kind of heart fluttering relationship. You know, the type where one's heart races and she felt like she was going to hyperventilate because she was so content, overwhelmed, and happy that butterflies were exploding inside the stomach?

There were times, a lot of times she'd hoped for someone to have the guts to come up to her and ask for her number, maybe even for a date. Only it never happened and she got sick of expecting, feeling disappointment, unwanted. Who would like someone tiny and was sickly anyway? All boys wanted the healthy, plump, vivacious girls who...she didn't know, was healthy enough to have babies?

No romance was fine. Namjoo didn't need her heart to flutter for anyone, but only for her favorite actors on screen. God, they were perfect – masculine, hunky, lean and tall – and like all women complained: too bad none of them existed in real life. Reality never lived up to anyone's expectations.

But no one understood the way she thought. She just didn't want anyone anymore. Sure, she was still capable of having feelings and being attracted to a certain someone but that never lasted long. Her attractions held no commitment or seriousness nor could she ever imagine dedicating herself to anyone any longer. Because who knew when her health would drop and she would die? Although the doctor assured that she could live long, but she had no desire to live that long.