That Girl Is Lonesome

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The darkness overcame me when I was very little, maybe around 6? Oh, that's when I started school and that's when my 3rd sibling was born. That's right, it started when I was 6, that's when the dark overcame me. Pathetic yeah? It's also laughable.

I remember coming home but only to be rushed to the hospital, my mum was giving birth to a baby brother. I was happy but sad at the same time, why? It's because I was expected to look after my sister and my other brother, my sister was 4 and my other brother was 2 at the time, 2 years apart.

You must think that's expected right? It was to be expected but my parents, they're attention was on them, only them. It wasn't like that until they came, I'm not saying that they shouldn't be here but it was kinda lonely then.

As the years go by, I was expected to look after myself, without the help of my parents because their attention was on my siblings, all the time. Whenever I asked their help with studies or anything, they told me to do it myself. When my siblings ask, they always agreed with a happy expression.

Everything was a burden for me, always expected to look after them and set a good example. People say being the youngest is tough but being the eldest is tough too. When people say the eldest is lucky, they're wrong in many places and it kinda hurts me when they start talking about how the eldest get extra money, extra praise, get what they want etc. it's never like that at all.

There were times when I felt happy with my family but being happy for me was a rare occasion. I'm kinda jealous of people being happy, it hurts my heart so much, what hurts me more is that they're too happy that they don't even notice the suffering people around them.

One time, I got something from my mum in grade 1, it made me really happy. She gave it to me when she dropped me off that morning and all day I was showing it to all my friends, they were jealous and that made me happy. Yes I know, that's kinda b*tchy but that was me. When I got home that evening, I saw my siblings have the same thing but in a different colour. I asked my mum why did they have that and you know what she said? She said "Oh, yesterday when you went to school, I bought this and I didn't realise I bought 4, it was suppose to be only for them but I had an extra." That broke my heart into tiny little million pieces. That evening, I was too sad to even look or talk to them.

That was a depressing story, wow, I'll never forget that for as long as I live. Since that day, there was darkness clinging onto to me, it was small but it was frightening.

As days go by, it gets harder and harder for me, family is where you're suppose to feel love and where you belong right? Then why am I suffering to get out of there? It hurts so much to even be in the 'family circle'. My siblings are always blaming on me, getting hit sometimes from my parents and expectations just went sky rocketing.

I didn't realise I was changing bit by bit, instead of the boasting, loud and cheerful girl, I became quiet and cold. Everything slightly changed in grade 2 and I was kinda happy but it all came crumbling down but, that's another story to be told next time...

"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they use to be."