Shadow

Chapter Three

Katie
 

Nan was flying back to Canada without me. Gramps was too sick, and despite my protests that I would help them, there was still a mess of paperwork hanging over us.

A few years ago, before Gramps’ brief remission, he’d been so far gone that we were waiting for the call any day. At that time, when all our waking thoughts were of death, Mom made an appointment and changed her will. Legal custody of me would go to her sister, Diane, and not Nan and Gramps. Even without the legal issues, it was Mom’s last wish, and Nan was holding to it religiously.

“But Aunt Diane lives in Japan,” I said.

“I know, sweetie.”

“Japan."

“I know. And it’s a nice country. I visited her there and the people were just lovely.”

“Nan, I don’t even speak Japanese!”

She’d squeezed my hands in hers again, but this time her grasp was weak. “We’ll get it sorted out,” she said.

Like I was just some sort of tangled knitting project of hers, like she could just unravel me and start over. Twisting my life into new shapes, something that everyone would nod and agree suited me better. But the stitches from my old life would show, the snarls and bends of the old pattern wrecking the new.

Mom was gone. Could we just stop trying to fix it for a minute? It couldn’t be fixed. Shipping me overseas wouldn’t make my life better. It would just make me vanish, tucked away where no one could look at me and feel awkward. Was Nan even on my side? Her eyes were tired and sad. I knew she loved me, but I also knew she wasn’t really seeing me. She was seeing Mom, and having her close but out of reach was hurting her.

God, I felt so alone. I was alone. This sore, horrible aching in my chest like I would just fall into pieces. All I wanted was to disappear.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Almost all the guests had left from the memorial, ready to get back to their real lives.

This was the only life I had left. And it was falling apart.

A second, louder knock came, and before I could answer it, my door swung open to Aunt Diane, standing there with a worried look on her face.

“Hey,” she said.

I slumped down onto my bed, the energy knocked out of me. What kind of guardian would Aunt Diane be anyway? I knew so little about her.

Nan sat down beside me, patting my leg as I stared at the ceiling.

“So…you know, huh?” Diane said.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “Mom never wanted to go to Japan. Why would she send me?”

“I think she was more concerned that you be with someone who loves you and can take care of you,” Nan said. “Diane will look after you, Katie.”

Can’t you do that? I thought. Don’t you love me? You wouldn’t do this to me if you did.

I figure you’re allowed to be childish when you’ve lost everything.

“I know it’s been hard to spend time together, Katie,” Diane added. “But we’re family, and I want to do what I can to help you.”

“Then let me live with Nan,” I snapped.

Nan moved her reassuring hand from my leg. “Katie.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Diane said. “She has a right to be upset. Katie, you know Nan and Gramps really can’t handle any big changes right now. Let’s just work it out for a bit until Gramps is better, okay?”