Fine

~Chapter Three~

My diary is a rich rose-red coloured leather cover. The four corners of the diary have shell-shaped, aged metal that covers them. There is a clean silver heart shaped lock with small embedded details within it like a small gentle-pedalled flower on the left hand side of the heart, the top of the heart had soft waves that twirled once, the bottom half of the heart had small hook like shapes bending from the right to the left of the heart. The centre of the lock had a small, silver, metal, closed cylinder stopper with two stripes on either end of it. You twist the stopped so it fits through the gap that you lift the whole heart over to then unlock and open the diary. Once you open the diary you immediately see a three pockets to the left that holds notes, paper, envelopes and basically anything that you can fit in there then two slim pen holders. The paper has a soft yet firm, medium thickness, old, slightly discoloured, hand-made texture to it that gives off the feeling of having paper from centuries ago. The paper is held together in the book by thin black leather strips that criss-cross through the red leather cover. To keep track of your position in the diary is a soft, aged, cotton strip of fabric that is secured behind the paper spine. When locked back up and placed down it has a very elegant look to it, though its just a diary it still feels like beautiful piece of work.

In the past when I have written in my diaries, I have taken advantage of its limited source of pages and wrote useless things, a novice diary writer. Now when it comes to writing in my diaries I try to keep it short and sweet. Theres many things I have written in my diary, mostly just important events that has happened that I feel is important to write down. So nights like tonight come around I go outside and sit on the roof, contemplate my life then unfold the future meaningful text upon my reassuring cool pages. The wind delicately kissed my cheeks as it brushed passed in this still night. The neighbours dogs didn't bark all evening and into the night and the crickets were silent because the rhythmic cricking sound was absent from what seemed like the world frozen in time. I opened my dairy and turn to the next blank page. The page looked like a yellow-cream colour with the street distant lights reflecting off of it and the light fro the moon and stars above. I contemplated about what to write, I didn't want something that would be long and bore me when I read it in the future nor did I want to be so short, blunt and plain that I couldn't learn or remember anything from. I decided I would start from the beginning and lay it out simple.

Not much has happened today. Like most days it seems to slip through my fingers and before I know it, the day is over and a new one is beginning. I Skyped Skyler today and played some Minecraft with her but other than that I really didn't do anything productive. Lately I've been unmotivated for about everything and it always feels like there is a weight pulling me down every time I try to get up and do something. It's as if there's this dead weight within me and I just cant seem to be ale to lift it and get rid of it. It's harder to be happy, like a constant chore to just smile or sound okay.

It's the same answer every time when someone asks how i'm doing, "I'm Fine". I went to the beach today to see if it would change anything and though I didn't feel any happier I felt like I could breathe easier... as if being alone and away from home, being somewhere where no one else would bother me made it easier to breathe. I just contemplated my life and how I have been feeling lately. Nothing special. The only other place I feel the same is my room but when everyone is still awake I feel on edge with what I do until I know it's safe to relax, I wont be doing anything wrong, I could just playing on my computer but when everyone is asleep and I know i'm alone and wont be bothered then I feel like I can truly breathe and relax. I might go to the beach again tomorrow.

                                                                                       ~

I woke the next morning at dusk, the gentleness of the tiny first rays the suns before the rising in the morning when it's quietest. No birds were singing, the wind was gentle and the only sound you could hear was the soft crashes of the waves along the beach. It was still dark enough that it required you to turn on a light to see properly as the sky was a pastel dark blue and purple. This is my favourite time in the morning. I was already awake enough to know that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep anytime soon and it was rare for me to have moments like this in the mornings where the Earth felt like it has stopped spinning and only I exist.

I push the covers off and slipped out of bed, surprised by my expert quietness I proceed to make my bed and open my window, the barely noticeable light seeping into my room. This morning it was warm so when I sat on the shed roof again I didn't get cold. After a good 5 minutes of waking up and watching the sky turn from dark blues and purples to more gentle early morning grey colours I climb back inside my room and turn on my computer. Skyler was never awake this early which left me to check up on the latest news and gaming updates.

It was the usual updates, weather, politics, latest popular games for 2015 and forum updates. After about 10 minutes of reading I turned on the morning news on my T.V and left it on a very low volume so it wouldn't wake anyone but loud enough to fill my room. I got my drink bottle from my bedside table and drunk what was left of the water then snuck downstairs to fill it up and made myself a bowl of weetbix, berries and honey. Thankfully no one woke up and I pottered back to my room to continue with what I was doing. While walking back I took notice to the temperature and how it felt no more cold than it did hot. I made it to my room then watched the rest of the morning news. 

                                                                                         ~

The warmth blanketed my body, the only sounds were the crunching of the sand between my toes and the folding of the soft waves against the shore. The suns bright reflection off the water top required me to wear sunnies. Apparently according to phone I walked along the shore for a good hour and fifteen minutes before realising I couldn't make out any distinct buildings or structures to determine where I was. I was lost in thought. So very deeply lost in thought. However, my mind was only fixated on one thing; Where did it all go to shit? When did it everything start bundling and compacting, every strip of hope and love peeling away to compress into this bundle, this explosion that is slowly ticking down until I wont be able to contain it any longer...and when did it get start ticking? 

I felt the wetness on my cheeks before I knew I was crying. I cried a lot. I have been trying to hold it in for months but eventually the bucket will reach it's limits and start to overflow. I pulled myself together and snapped myself back into line before I reached the main footpath to walk home. By the time I reached the front door you couldn't even see the puffiness in my eyes, thanks to my water and sunglasses. I thought to myself upon walking into my room "Should I do a workout? Arg I'll do a small one" and picked out my favourite fitness clothes; a black Nike sports bra with a white tick and diamond matte patterning across it, black full-length workout leggings with the words "pump it, LOUDER!" down the sides of the legs in rainbow colouring, and to top it all off I wore my black Nikes. I did a few burpies, push ups, squats, crunches, lunges and a plank to finish it off. I no longer felt so shitty.