"Why is God so unfair? What did I do to deserve all this? Why did it have to be me?" Something was gnawing at her insides as her mind was rocked by question after question. All unanswered. Her heart cried. Too many Why's and Why not's! She needed answers. She needed them badly. "Where is God when you need Him? If He does not enjoy making us suffer, then why doesn't He simply give all of us happy endings?" More why's! She buried her head into her lap, and began to sob once again.
It had been over a month now, since her mother passed away. She had never been able to digest it, absorb it, assimilate it, or get past it. The thought was always whizzing at her mind, like an irritating bee. She wished she could simply smack the bee and get rid of it. But it was always there. Always around! She could see her mother with her eyes closed or open. In every face! Always haunting her...
Her studies had taken a nosedive. She had failed to clear her finals. Her prayers had taken an even bigger nosedive. She had lost all interest in everything even remotely religious. God had not been kind to her, and she had subconsciously decided to pay back. "If you are really there, and if you can really hear everything I think or feel or say, why don't you answer? Why don't you explain yourself? Do you even care?"
She smirked as she thought all these things. Of course He doesn't!
At that moment, the Muazzin's voice began to ring in her ears. She looked at the wall clock. It was time for Maghrib. Some strange feeling inexplicably erupted within her, suddenly. Why was she even listening to it today? Why was she even bothering? She tried to cover her ears. But then she realized that she could not ignore it somehow; the words were making her heart pound. "Hayya Alal Salaah". Pounding. Hayya Alal Falaah". Still pounding. "Laa ilaaha illAllah".She felt the sudden urge to grab the prayer mat and pray. A voice told her: He doesn't even care. Why are you even thinking about it? But for some reason, the urge was stronger than the voice that whispered. She prayed 3 Farz. She felt something that she could not explain. Then she began to make Dua. And then...she suddenly broke down. She told Allah how unfair He had been to her. She fought with Him. She told Him how angry she really was. Somehow, it made her heart lighter. Even though she did not really trust that He was listening. She still needed to make herself heard. She needed to cry her heart out. So she shouted. "Show me a sign if you have actually heard me."Ameen. She rubbed her hands on her face and then folded the prayer mat.
Abruptly, she had a whim to turn on her Computer. She had not used the Internet in the past month either since she no longer felt like keeping in touch with everyone. In fact, she had barely felt like doing anything apart from sitting in that same corner of her room every day and staring blankly into space. Everything had lost meaning for her. But she had not bothered to pray or make dua in the past month either. Today was a strange day. She let her whim lead her. She checked her email. Junk, Condolences, Horoscopes, Useless forwards! They annoyed her. She was just about to sign out when her eyes fell upon one particular email titled: Why does life test us? She had an impulse again, out of nowhere. She double clicked on it and began to read...
"A story is told where a man comes across a butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon. He sits and watches the butterfly for several hours as it struggles to force its body through that little hole. Then feeling sorry for the creature, the man decides to help. He cuts the cocoon and sure enough the butterfly comes out easily. But it has a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continues to watch the butterfly because he expects that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body. Nothing happens! In fact, the butterfly spends the rest of its life crawling around. It is never able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the struggle to leave the cocoon was nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom!
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would never be able to discover our inner strength and become as strong as we could have been. It is the challenges of life that bring out the best in people and enable them to fly!"
Her eyes welled and tears began to roll down her cheeks uncontrollably. Alhamdulillah, she whispered. The sign! She had finally understood her struggle...
