Trip

Day One

DAY ONE. I was at Claire’s house, unwilling yet I helped her and her mom to beautify their humble home and prepared foods for their visitors. It kind of temporarily staved my mind off of the coming disaster. But as their arrival neared, my heart throbbed so loud it almost rendered me deaf. There was also a sick feeling in my stomach that made me feel like I was always on the verge of spewing. And my hands and legs were frozen; I could barely move my fingers and my feet.

                I hated this. If only I could shut this off. If only I could make myself numb, I already did.

                Claire and I was in the kitchen when the ominous doorbell shook the whole house—or shook me. Did they switch it to its full volume?

Instinctively, I turned toward the back door… ready for my escape, but Claire quickly held me up.

                “Really, Dan? You’re just going to run away?” she asked; her right brow shot up. “If you’re upset, tell him you are, or make him feel that you are at the least. But don’t you hide it.”

                I spun at her. “I’m not upset, Claire. And I don’t have the right to be upset.” I made sure I was whispering.

                “Dan,” she whispered back, “you don’t have to have a right to feel anything. You don’t have to be permitted to react.”

                Claire was very pushy… and tenacious. I sighed, giving in.

                “Okay, just please let me not talk… or if I have to, will you do the talking for me? You know me; I have this tendency to embarrass myself without the intention of it.”

                She laughed feebly. “No worries. I got your back. I always have.”

                I let her drag me toward the living room. The uneasy feeling I was nursing doubled their intensity. I could barely hear our footsteps or Claire’s mom greeting her old friends, just the riotous thuds inside my chest. My face was burning, but my hands were clammy and shivering.

                Please, don’t pass out, I pleaded to myself as I pictured what a mess I must have looked.

                Claire’s friends were standing, about to sit down when we showed up. They all smiled at her, but to me their friendly grins looked so frightening. I hid behind Claire as I scanned all of the recognizable faces bringing back the memories kept somewhere in my brain, and then my wary eyes reached him.

                He towered over the others—just how my memory pictured. His dark brown hair grew an inch or two but still unintentionally styled in a scruffy way. His eyes, still the shade of light brown, were staring past Claire. His lips were pulled in a huge grin, aiming at me.

All I could do was to stare at him with wide eyes.

And then his feet moved forward, but an arm circled around his almost imperceptibly yanked him back. It was Steff’s. He looked down at her, his eyes were asking. She just innocently smiled.  

“Good to see you, guys. It’s been a year,” Claire greeted as she held my wrist and we sat at the sofa across them. “How was your ride?”

“Good, good,” Andrew answered immediately and ebulliently. “The ride was long and tiring but fun. We are all very excited to see you, Claire… and Dan.” He smiled cordially at me.

Andrew was always very considerate to me. He was the only one among the group who had always included me. I smiled back at him. I thought he deserved that little kindness and appreciation.