When I see you smile, I laugh. I laugh because I know who you truly are and the secrets you hide. All the grief one person can handle before stepping over the edge of nonexistence. Have you seen that smile before. Good, now see that and feel the pain as it moves through you. Unbearable right, my pain when it comes to existence.
As a child, I never saw a reason not to believe in hope. It's a funny thing really as a child people tell you hope is what keeps everyone going, but I have learned it's also what bring you down. My hope was that I would be remembered by you but that day never came around. I felt I was losing you every time we talked, every time I looked at you, you were someone else or wanted to be with someone else. But I had this so called 'hope' that this would go away, the times you yelled at me, the times you said I was worthless I hoped it was all a lie. Now I know you never really cared about me but I still have hope. The only thing bringing me back to you is that smile.
A smile can change everything. The trust you have in someone may change. But, a smile can also be deadly. A smile can make you feel like your worth something. Everyone wants to be worth something.
When I was around you all I wanted was a smile. All I got was a mouth full of words. All the yelling and torture you put me through was never as hurtful as that smile. I ha never noticed how little you cared for me until I asked you to smile. With the glare in your eye I knew it wasn't real. None of it was, you were fake and everything that you ever gave me was too. The laughs we shared, the love I though was real. It was a lie.
I thought I was done with you. It all had driven me so close to the edge. I could see the bottom. When your so close to the edge many people get scared but I wasn't scared I had nothing to lose. The thought of having nothing to lose it something you never wanna feel. It's like you have been left alone with nothing, you feel shivers up and down your spine. At first it is scary, but then you get used to the fact you have nothing. It all becomes clear, you aren't wanted.
I knew at that point I couldn't let you win. I had given you everything and you took me for granted. It was never about me, it was all about what you wanted. I made sure you were far from the edge. Sometimes I wonder did you ever care about me or listen to what I said.
For the first time I saw around your lies. That everyone had a dark side and a side they never wanted to get a stain on. You were only darkness. I could look at you and see that you just wanted to see me cry. The tears that ran down my face when you yelled were like your present to me on Christmas. You expected me to hug you and say thank you for all the tears. I made a promise to myself after that day. No more tears, all the tears will ever do is remind me of you. Your not worth remembering anymore.
