Subject A

AN: Lot of questions on figment on how Eemia can see in the simulations. That's because, and she says it, she can only see and feel in simulations. Also, she doesn't put much things and talks robotically a lot of the time because it's how she's been thinking for however long she's been doing the simulations.

Anyhoo, enjoy dearies ^.^

            Yellow. Everything is yellow.

            Why? Well that is exactly what I must figure out. I must figure out why they would place me in a room where everything is in varying shades of yellow. To do this, I must think of all the information they could possibly gain by studying my reactions to this simulation's situation in particular. I can faintly make out the only two objects in the room; a chair and a knife. Interesting pair. Besides that, there is nothing else in the simulation.  

            My reaction is most likely not supposed to depend on the chair and knife, but rather the color yellow simply because yellow is a color. Colors affect human emotions and can influence a person's reaction, but each color toys with the brain a different way. Yellow for instance, typically makes humans more alert, energetic, happy, optimistic, and open minded. But just knowing what yellow does will not answer the question. There are many more simulation situations that would have made me feel alert, all approaches being more direct. And if there is one thing I am certain of about the people that control the simulations, it is that they like to be as direct as possible most of the time. Of course, this could be an exception meant to throw me off. It isn't meant to make me more open minded since I try to go into every simulation open minded, and I don't believe that it's supposed to make me more energetic because I still feel drained of energy as per usual. As for happy and optimistic, I haven't been either in such a long time that if I suddenly started to feel either emotions, I most likely wouldn't be able to recognize them.

            I know it sounds dark and depressing, but it's the truth. I have absolutely nothing to be happy about, and for as long as I can remember, I have never been optimistic. It's hard to be optimistic when the only thing keeping you alive is the fact that you can't find a way to kill yourself... well that and the fact you can't feel anything. But I don't like when my lack of optimism is confused for pessimism. I am simply a realist who understands that I have nothing to live for and that if it weren't for the fact I can't feel anything, I would kill myself. The reason? Well, that, like everything in my life, is actually quite simple. The only memories I have are filled with the solitude and isolation that the dark provides me, the hatred I can only feel in simulations that comes from being held captive and being forced to endure torture in the form of simulations, and of course the fake memories from the simulations.

            But still, even if it is a form of torture, I have come to appreciate the simulations that they have used to study my reactions because it is the only time I am out of the darkness and have a personality that is truly my own, for when I am out of the simulations, I see nothing and feel nothing. Emotions are foreign to my awake state.

            So many people seem to hate their personality or take it for granted. They never realize how important their personality is so they try to change it to fit into a crowd or they hate themselves because their personality provides "challenges" in their lives. In my world, I call that bullshit. If I could just talk to them once I would tell them that if it weren't for their personality, they wouldn't even have the ability to be sad that people dislike them or angry because someone insulted them. So many people don't realize what they have until it is taken away.

            The reason I know this is also quite simple. My personality, along with my sight, was taken away from me awhile ago. The only time I can see or feel is in simulations. It's not like I don't know why, because I do. I just wish that they never told me so that in these simulations I could sob over how pathetic my life is. I could cry over the fact that my personality was taken from me and not know that it was because I was fighter, and also insane.

            It was a smart move on their part, genius in fact. I can't kill myself if I don't have a personality. When you don't have a personality, you have nothing. The only reason you have to do something is because someone tells you to. You can't get angry enough to act on it. You can't even get angry. Anger, sadness, happiness, frustration, confusion, suspicion, and every other emotion are all things I have only felt in simulations for what is probably a few years time. Who knows? I lost count. Time means nothing when you have nothing to count for.

            My sight isn't something I actually miss that much. I've learned a new way of seeing that is actually pretty efficient. Instead of seeing with my eyes, I use vibrations. Vibrations are another thing we take for granted most of the time, but they prove to be useful if you know how to use them. I pick up on vibrations that occur when someone does something such as walking, and visualize what is happening in my mind. At first I was terrible, but now I'm so good at it that I can pick up on something as small as an ant. My mind's the most powerful tool I have in my opinion.

            The simulation won't last for much longer, maybe three minutes. Each simulation is ten minutes long. They tried to do one that lasted for an hour but it screwed with the test results apparently so they stayed with ten minute long simulations. Some simulations feel like longer but that is because of "fake" time. "Real" time is the real amount of time things take while "fake" time is how long I feel that something is happening. For instance, if I am in a simulation that triggers terror, minutes can feel like years, while in a happy simulation, minutes feel like nanoseconds.

            I groan, hitting my head on the wall. Two minutes left, I count down in my head. Still no reason for the simulation. It doesn't matter anyways, it will be over soon. I hate the way my thoughts are structured though. I sound much too smart. I just said "much" too smart. Are they just trying to annoy me? Yeah. Probably. I sigh, thinking of what I really want to say to these people before I come crashing back down to reality. I hate you- I let off a long string of curse words and insults that I can only say here and then continue. You all can just rot in hell for all I care. What's the point in this anyways? You've probably been doing this for years but no matter how many simulations I find the solution for, I can't find an answer that-

            Reality. A cool metal table that I lay on until I hear someone say, "Get up." I do as they say, pushing myself off the table. "Follow." I begin to walk after them, having done this so many times I have memorized it. I feel nothing. See nothing. This is reality. I am a puppet, that is the only thought I have managed to cling to.

            The person and I walk through the hallways that I have memorized until we reach a door that they pull open. The door leads to a room that I spend my time in when I'm not under simulations. I walk through the door just like usual and then sit in a corner. The same person will wake me up in a short time and lead me to the room from earlier so I can undergo another simulation. Routine. That is exactly what my life is. A simple routine of waking up, going to the simulation room, undergoing a simulation, going back to my room, sleeping, and then being woke up again. There are no adjustments and no luxuries. Sleep. Walk. Simulation. Walk. Sleep. So for now I sleep, so that way I can keep going with the cycle. I don't have to close my eyes because everything's already black, so I just drift off into a dreamless sleep.