800 Lies Under an Azure Sky

"Usohappyaku"

Suiren sighed as she stared off into the horizon. Somehow... Somehow she always ended up here, despite telling herself it wasn't good for her to linger on old memories for so long. It was a bright and sunny day, and gulls flapped their wings as they soared overhead.

When we were younger, you were always so mean to me.

You never gave me a chance,

or even tried to understand how I felt,

and you left me like everyone else.

You never noticed how lonely and I sad I was,

and continued to hurl insults at me.

After we got into our huge fight and left school for good,

I was glad I would never have to see your ugly mug ever again.

I was certain I would easily thrive in this world.

I lived in a large house where the fridge was always full, the cheerful lights were always on, and the rooms were warm and cozy all year round.

I managed to own all that and I never even had to worry about my bills.

I easily got a job with a massive salary,

and I never once thought or worried about how you were doing.

I silently wished that you lived in a dirty little car and struggled to even get a minimum wage job. 

I wished the worst of fates to befall you,

and I never regretted having to part after fighting and never apologizing.

I never wanted to apologize to you,

because I knew all along that I was right, and you were wrong.

It didn't keep me up at night,

and I didn't cry over that petty incident.

It never meant anything to me.

As she stared off into the distance, she became lost in her own clouded thoughts. it wasn't like her to act like this, but right then and there, it was just fine by her.  

When they laid you to rest last month, I didn't cry at all.

I didn't cry to sleep the night before.

I didn't try to drink myself to sleep either.

I happily cooked myself a hearty breakfast, 

and even now I continue to eat healthy meals. 

I don't feel sick, mentally or physically. 

I was perfectly able to drive to the funeral

where I was greeted by all my smiling coworkers.

Nobody was crying or sad.

I didn't say anything, 

because we have no happy memories together anyway.

I insisted it was good that you passed away so young

because your future is so dark and full of uncertainty. 

I know you'll never be able to succeed in life 

due to your  incompetence and idiocy.

If you're wondering, I'm doing  just fine at work.

I've easily taken over from you

and now I wonder why you struggled so much with such an easy job. 

I definitely haven't ruined any cases by sobbing all over those important documents, 

and I definitely haven't broken down into tears in front of all my superiors. 

Looking back, you were unworthy of your position, 

and all of us shouldn't have held your words to such a high regard.

I definitely haven't tried to kill myself....

She silently dangled one leg over the cliff, knowing if she leaned forward slightly, it would be that easy to take her own life. But... doing it here, out of all places would only be disrespect to him, since they had spent so much of their time there, so Suiren stepped back and sighed, peering over the ledge into the inky blackness below. 

As she directed her gaze upwards slightly, she became aware of a ferry, skimming over the glistening waters, before eventually disappearing from sight.

For a second, the young woman's eyes widened, before she fell to her knees, sobbing as she leaned against her lover's tombstone, begging him to forgive her as she tried to shelter him from the rain, as he had done for her many times before. 

She knew she had built up her fortress of lies, a wall of stubborn denial, to block out her own guilt. She tried to make herself feel better by convincing herself that he was better off dead. But she felt even more guilty than before, for trying to deny how good he had been to her, and to the other people who had known him. 

She knew she would always be the liar too, now that everything was crumbling around her, for she had not been standing under the warmth of the sun on the seashore, but the sky was dark and rain mingled with the tears already staining her cheeks. She wasn't even aware if the world around her was real anymore.

"You've always been so great as the leader I've admired,

and my respect for you has only grown. 

I know how hard you've worked,  

so I would contest that you deserve so much more. 

I will never be able to put into words how much you warm my soul.

There was never a time I remember being unhappy by your side. 

There are so many things I wish we could've done, 

but I suppose all those chances are gone, 

and I will always be alone." 

Sighing softly, she curled up on the wet ground beside him, and closed her eyes.