When I look a boys, it's not because I'm "checking" them out
It's not because I like them
I wish it were that simple, but it's not
I look at boys because I wish I had their body
I don't mean that when I look at a skinny guy, I want to be skinny, or tall since I'm not.
I really wish I had a male body
I feel so unnatural in my body.
I have to bind everyday
Fix my voice so it's not too high
Try not to do something "girly"
Why was I born in this body if I was going to hate it so much?
If I was going to have to wear something to flatten my chest?
And even then, still be self-consious
I wish I could walk confidently and not have to worry about my ACE bandage untucking from my binder
I wish I could swim in just my swim trunks
But I had to be born in the wrong body
I have to live everyday with the desire to rip this fat from my chest.
I have to live with unbinding everyday and feeling the weight of that fat
I have to live knowing that it's going to stay this way for a long time
When I look at a boys, it's not for a simple reason.
It's because I'm jealous
