crush diaries

Is this me?

If I knew what love was, what it really felt like, then maybe I would have told him that I really loved him. Because really, wat else could it be? I watched him all the time. He would sit diagonally in front. Perfect to blend into the general Bulk of the class. His hand loosely fisted one over the other, chin resting on them as he listened to our teacher drone on. It was one of my favourite things bout him. One that we had in common. Didn't they say it was the small things that mattered? He was popular too. A lot. Still is I think. Couldn't say he was gorgeous if u compared him to a Calvin Klein model but...for me, he looked perfect. Even now after its been years since I last saw him I still think he looks dashing, despite others opinions. The way he would smile at the preschool kids when they came to him for music lessons. his coffee colour hands simply flying on the keys of his piano even as he swayed along with the beat. I wonder if he knew.... No that was simply not possible. Not unless he knew my attitude towards him at least was a total facade.

I know its the most stupidest thing but its second nature to me. All he had to do was look at me and he would know. That, while I was cursing him I never really said why and while I did that I would never let anyone else say a word against him. Oh I was good all right really good at being subtle. May be too good. All these years I thought being girly was stupid. Whiny. It was the reason I was not allowed to do a lot of things things that boys could do. But then even being a tomboy never let me embrace my girl side. I was so busy acting strong and boyish now I am embarrassed, scared even to admit that i had a crush. A dream about a prince because I was a tomboy. No one would believe me if I said I had a crush. Not even him. Can't a girl be strong?
Can't I be both strong and still a girl? Is it always going to be like this? Us the weak and cunning devils them the powerful masters?