Bring Me Back to Reality (on an indefinite hiatus.. xP)

02. The Things We Do For Love

The skies were still dark and the moon was still in sight while the the sun had barely risen. The jeep I was riding on was stuck in traffic and the seconds seemed to drag on longer and longer yet the sun remained hiding behind the clouds. I guess I didn't deserve to see the light of day after what I've done. I know I've killed her, didn't I? I mean, Natalya's not some schizophrenic hallucination, I'm fully aware of her existence and that I forced her to exist because I was so alone and I needed a friend. I know she's not real, I know that she's just me, just a part of me. And what I dreamt last night, when I saw what Natalya did to my grandmother, I think that was just me in her skin. I know people sleepwalk but how the hell could I even kill anyone while asleep? Am I possessed or something? Did the devil I created found a mind of its own? I know I love fantasizing but I'm still aware of reality. Christ, the more I think about reality the more I wonder if this reality I'm aware of is the actual reality or just a reality imposed on to us pitiful human beings. I have got to stop watching the Matrix.

"Miss? Miss, uy! Okay ka lang?" I was shaken away from my thoughts by a woman in her forties who was seated next to me. I stared at her wide-eyed with a blank expression, my eyes started to sting and I felt something trickle down my cheeks, as it turns out I was crying. I quickly wiped it off and told her,

"O-okay lang po ako." I looked out my window and found that I was near enough my school, "Para po," I gestured to the driver and immediately got off the jeep. I didn't want to attract any more attention. I always feel uneasy when people look at me for more than five seconds. I have the strangest feeling that if people look at me long enough they'd immediately see my flaws and then end up disliking me. I know, who doesn't have flaws? But I take them horribly than most.

There weren't much students yet when I arrived, no lights from our building were seen lit from the outside. The gate was closed but it wasn't locked so I opened it and it produced the most irritating sound from its rusty hinges that I think I woke the reseidential area near the school. I caught the attention of the school gatekeeper as well, he was a slender old man, balding and a bit hunched but obviously still able.

"Uy, good morning! Aga natin ah?" he greeted me.

"Good morning to you too, Manong Lon." I smiled. He smiled back but said nothing more after that so I proceeded to my right and climb the stairs to our floor.

Our floor was empty as I had expected, and my homeroom was locked too so I waited. I climbed up the barrier in front of the homeroom, unafraid of the accident I would get myself into if somehow a strong gust of wind or an invisible being pushes me to my death. I wouldn't mind actually if Natalya brings me to my death.

"I'd never do that!" Oh wow, now you decide to show up? I want answers now! Which actually sounds stupid since I know you know that I know I'm just you.

"Exactly, so why would I kill you? I would cease to exist." Oh but it was okay for you to kill mama?

"I killed who now? You said you know that I know that you know you're just me. Doesn't that make you, technically speaking, the killer?" How come you don't know anything? You're supposed to be that knows things that I repress or refuse to believe in.

"I know! So what are you on about? Who did we kill?" I had a dream last night, that you killed mama, which as you just said, technically was me, but in the dream I didn't want it to happen but a barrier stopped me, then you just went on and killed her which led me to the conclusion that I had some repressed desire to kill my poor grandmother, which  I somehow did in my sleep.

"I really have no idea about that dream, but did you just say a barrier?" Yeah? Why? "All the encounters we had, all the dreams you had that I was in was all just you forcing it to happen, you direct our meetings, how can a barrier appear in that dream of yours, that I was also in?" Does that mean, there's another you? One that has a mind of its own?